We’ve reached the end, and there’s nothing left but to vote and then round up a few friends, a bottle of choice liquor and the ABC to watch Antony Green work his magic. It’s a lay-down misere for Opposition Leader Tony Abbott, but that doesn’t mean your election party has to be as dull as the campaign has been. Guy Rundle has a pretty epic drinking game, or if you like your games slightly simpler (or don’t have parfait d’amour to hand), try this one on for size:

Take a sip if …

A politician appears on screen in a tie that is not blue

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A Liberal frontbencher says he or she is “confident” in the poll results so far

Anyone uses the term “landslide victory”

John Howard appears on screen

Anyone uses the term “whitewash”

Mark Latham appears on screen

Anyone uses the term “unprecedented”

Antony Green says the word “bellwether”

Anyone uses the term “record swing”

Eden-Monaro is called

Anyone talks about western Sydney

Anyone uses the term “save the furniture”

Anyone uses the term “on a knife edge”

Finish your drink if …

Paul Keating appears on screen

Bot Hawke appears on screen

Anyone uses the term “s-x appeal”

Anyone says “stop the boats”

Sophie Mirabella loses Indi. Then pour everyone another round, preferably of your most expensive champagne, because at least something good came out of this miserable election.

You’re told to “stand by” for a big seat call

Anyone uses the term “shell-less mussel”

Do a shot if …

Kevin Rudd loses his own seat of Griffith. Then tell everyone at your party about what a disaster this has been for Labor and speculate wildly if Julia Gillard might have been better after all.

Anyone catches sight of Jaymes Diaz

Anyone can lay out the actual six points of the Libs’ “stop the boats” plan

Julian Assange wins a Victorian Senate seat. Then either have a You’re the Voice sing-a-long, or write an encrypted congratulatory note to the Ecuadorian embassy’s most famous resident and upload it via Tor.

Craig Thomson wins Fisher. Then buy another round using someone else’s credit card.

Julia Gillard appears on screen. Gillard and Reuben the cavoodle are likely to be well bunkered down in a media-free cave with a month’s supply of gin and Schmackos.

Clive Palmer wins Fairfax. Celebrate by twerking, then pick a random celebrity and publicly accuse that person of being a spy. The person with the best iceberg/crash joke gets a fresh drink.

Anyone on any station appears via hologram

And if these things happen …

Adam Bandt loses Melbourne — have a shot of wheatgrass and/or Midori, depending on your constitution by this point of the night. Loudly proclaim the death of the Greens and/or how the two major parties have ruined Australian politics.

Howard Holt appears on screen — this is an election, not the Moulin Rouge. Put away the absinthe and go to bed.

The Greens win 17% primary vote — get our your binoculars, because Crikey‘s own Bernard Keane has promised a nudie run if that happens.

Antony Green calls the election for Labor — you’ve clearly had way too much. Go home, you’re drunk and seeing things.

Antony Green calls the election for the Coalition — pour everyone a fresh round of drinks and turn off the election coverage. Maybe put on a movie. It’s going to be a long three years.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
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