Every time the coverage anchor crosses to their expert with 2% of the vote counted and says "well of course that's too small a sample to tell us anything", drink one non-alcoholic beer. Every time they nevertheless model the 2% result on their computer and, based on single booth results, model a 130-seat majority for party X or Y, drink another non-alcoholic beer. Every time Kerry O'Brien etc etc start filling the lack of results with a lachrymose memory of the tally room, slam an Old-fashioned. Every time Michael Kroger appears, have a Cocksucking Cowboy. Not sure what you drink, that's just a comment on him. Every time Antony Green points out that the Senate process is now a farce that means people have no idea what they're voting for and nobody pays the slightest bit of attention; one flat soda water. Every time Graham Richardson appears to cheerfully trash the Labor Party on behalf of Murdoch, vomit in your mouth a little and swallow it back again -- prediction, not instruction. Every time someone makes a mung-bean and lentils joke about the Greens, a multimillion-dollar party run by urban lawyers, with 11 MPs; one Grasshopper. When, by 6.45pm, it's clear the Coalition is romping it in, and desperate anchors say "well, anything could still happen" -- one glass of moonshine. First live cross to a high-profile Labor MP losing her/his seat, who is clearly drunk and hysterical -- one Red Sunset (see below). First live cross to a winning Liberal candidate who abandons all pretence at moderation and reveals him or herself to be a total arsehole – one Blue Heaven (see below). First live cross to Christine Milne in which a Greens vote of 10.9% (0.9% short of their 11.8% high result) is implied to be the beginning of the end of the Greens a la the Democrats, drink one Not Easy Being Green (see below). Bob Katter, camera pointed at, doing whatever he's doing -- one Kat In The Hat (see below) Clive Palmer, doing whatever he likes for three minutes of on-air time, as desperate anchors try to fill -- one Clivosaurus (see below) Amateurish failure of high-tech graphics leaving Kerry to fill, down a Clusterf-ck (see below). Embarrassing appearance by microparty Senate candidate -- Clusterf-ck. Desperate attempt at unconsciousness to deal with a decade of Tony Abbott -- Clusterf-ck clusterf-ck clusterf-ck. Appearance by Fiona Scott or Jackie Kelly -- one S-x On the Beach. Tony Abbott claims victory, announces clerico-fascist agenda -- one Blue Heaven. Kevin Rudd gives concession speech, goes 20 minutes too long, meanders hopelessly lost, there's anxiety about whether intervention will be required, serves out on colleagues -- one Red Sunset. Christine Milne vows to press on/exults in better-than-expected result, makes jokes that fall flat, and then Adam Bandt sounds cooler than your parents' cool friend who somehow never lost his groove -- one Not easy Being Green. BobKat and Clive -- see above. Endless repeat of useless graphics, as we go seat-by-seat to show little blue people sitting in a virtual chamber -- drink a Blue Heaven. Bob Ellis appearance -- Go To Bed. Rundle's election-night cocktail recipes: Red Sunset -- a sangriaesque punch to drown a Labor loss. 1 glass cheap red/Rudd w(h)ine 1 measure grain alcohol or any fortifying spirit 100ml blood orange ju(lia)ice bitters Blue Heaven -- victory is sweet. 1 measure Blue Sapphire gin 1 measure parfait amour crushed blueberries (aka the balls of Peter Costello) top the glass with "spu"mante Not Easy Being Green 1 measure absinthe 1 measure green chartreuse Fresh limes, or lime juice Dash of tonic Kat(ter) in the Hat 1 measure Mt Uncle platinum vodka (other vodkas are available) 1 measure banana(s) liquer Frothed (subsidised) milk creating a hat, going over the top Clivosaurus 1 measure white (very, very) rum 1 measure (tending to) s(ch)nap(ps) Big Pineapple juice Last Place Clusterf-ck -- the shot of all shots. 1 shot gr(ou)appa(rs) (DLP) 1 shot tequila (Shooters) Limoncello (very tart) (Hanson) Ouzo (Xenophon)