Every time the coverage anchor crosses to their expert with 2% of the vote counted and says “well of course that’s too small a sample to tell us anything”, drink one non-alcoholic beer.

Every time they nevertheless model the 2% result on their computer and, based on single booth results, model a 130-seat majority for party X or Y, drink another non-alcoholic beer.

Every time Kerry O’Brien etc etc start filling the lack of results with a lachrymose memory of the tally room, slam an Old-fashioned.

Every time Michael Kroger appears, have a Cocksucking Cowboy. Not sure what you drink, that’s just a comment on him.

Every time Antony Green points out that the Senate process is now a farce that means people have no idea what they’re voting for and nobody pays the slightest bit of attention; one flat soda water.

Every time Graham Richardson appears to cheerfully trash the Labor Party on behalf of Murdoch, vomit in your mouth a little and swallow it back again — prediction, not instruction.

Every time someone makes a mung-bean and lentils joke about the Greens, a multimillion-dollar party run by urban lawyers, with 11 MPs; one Grasshopper.

When, by 6.45pm, it’s clear the Coalition is romping it in, and desperate anchors say “well, anything could still happen” — one glass of moonshine.

First live cross to a high-profile Labor MP losing her/his seat, who is clearly drunk and hysterical — one Red Sunset (see below).

First live cross to a winning Liberal candidate who abandons all pretence at moderation and reveals him or herself to be a total arsehole – one Blue Heaven (see below).

First live cross to Christine Milne in which a Greens vote of 10.9% (0.9% short of their 11.8% high result) is implied to be the beginning of the end of the Greens a la the Democrats, drink one Not Easy Being Green (see below).

Bob Katter, camera pointed at, doing whatever he’s doing — one Kat In The Hat (see below)

Clive Palmer, doing whatever he likes for three minutes of on-air time, as desperate anchors try to fill — one Clivosaurus (see below)

Amateurish failure of high-tech graphics leaving Kerry to fill, down a Clusterf-ck (see below).

Embarrassing appearance by microparty Senate candidate — Clusterf-ck.

Desperate attempt at unconsciousness to deal with a decade of Tony Abbott — Clusterf-ck clusterf-ck clusterf-ck.

Appearance by Fiona Scott or Jackie Kelly — one S-x On the Beach.

Tony Abbott claims victory, announces clerico-fascist agenda — one Blue Heaven.

Kevin Rudd gives concession speech, goes 20 minutes too long, meanders hopelessly lost, there’s anxiety about whether intervention will be required, serves out on colleagues — one Red Sunset.

Christine Milne vows to press on/exults in better-than-expected result, makes jokes that fall flat, and then Adam Bandt sounds cooler than your parents’ cool friend who somehow never lost his groove — one Not easy Being Green.

BobKat and Clive — see above.

Endless repeat of useless graphics, as we go seat-by-seat to show little blue people sitting in a virtual chamber — drink a Blue Heaven.

Bob Ellis appearance — Go To Bed.

Rundle’s election-night cocktail recipes:

Red Sunset — a sangriaesque punch to drown a Labor loss.

1 glass cheap red/Rudd w(h)ine
1 measure grain alcohol or any fortifying spirit
100ml blood orange ju(lia)ice
bitters

Blue Heaven — victory is sweet.

1 measure Blue Sapphire gin
1 measure parfait amour
crushed blueberries (aka the balls of Peter Costello)
top the glass with “spu”mante

Not Easy Being Green

1 measure absinthe
1 measure green chartreuse
Fresh limes, or lime juice
Dash of tonic

Kat(ter) in the Hat

1 measure Mt Uncle platinum vodka (other vodkas are available)
1 measure banana(s) liquer
Frothed (subsidised) milk creating a hat, going over the top

Clivosaurus

1 measure white (very, very) rum
1 measure (tending to) s(ch)nap(ps)
Big Pineapple juice

Last Place Clusterf-ck — the shot of all shots.

1 shot gr(ou)appa(rs) (DLP)
1 shot tequila (Shooters)
Limoncello (very tart) (Hanson)
Ouzo (Xenophon)

Peter Fray

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