In September 2012 Crikey’s Tips section launched a contest for the best-named (i.e. the most apt or amusing) public figure, spokesperson or lobby group. New Scientist coined the phrase Nominative Determinism, which certainly applies to some of these entries. The winner is to have their entry immortalised in cartoon by First Dog on the Moon. After more than 100 emails from Crikey subscribers, here is our short list. We’ll let you know when Dog hands down his verdict.

Muriel Watt is chair of the Australian PV Association. Apparently she really lights up those board meetings.

Ron Dullard is the director of Catholic Education in Western Australia. Scripture classes, anyone?

Dr Graeme Killer has been the long-time medical doctor and personal physician to a succession of PMs, from John Howard to Julia Gillard. One question for Dr Killer: why didn’t you save Kevin Rudd when he was stabbed in the back?

Rob Fish, the chairman of the NT Seafood Council.

Cherry Ripe is the chair of the Australian Ark Commission, which is part of the Slow Foods movement and seeks to “catalogue foods at risk of loss”. It certainly can be hard to find a Cherry Ripe down the servo these days.

Samuel Spokes was an under-23 professional cyclist, originally from Tamworth, NSW, and now a member of the Pro-Continental team.

Ernie and Rosemary Digweed run The Garden (a garden centre) and Capital Indoor Plant Hire in Canberra.

Macquarie Bank’s head honcho is Nick Moore. As our tipster said: “You couldn’t make up a better name for a banker.”

Until recently Ray Kilpatrick was manager of The Oyster House aka Ocean Foods in Albany WA. Apparently he still pops in from time to time to do some shucking.

There was a report on Foxtel’s Weather Channel last month about damaging winds in Western Australia causing havoc. Spokesman for the WA Fire and Emergency Services was Allen Gale.

The late Roger (Ben) Box was prominent in the The Funeral Directors’ Association of New South Wales, and even has an award named after him, the Ben Box Memorial Award. He was active in the 1970s.

Randy Virgin is the treasurer of Green Star, an Alaskan NGO that promotes environmental business practices. The group recently organised a strip mob in a brewery, and we can’t help but feel that Randy was been behind it.

Cardinal Sin, the late leader of the Philippines’ Roman Catholic community. Cardinal Jaime Sin died in 2005, leaving the world of names all the poorer.

Terry Towell, managing director of Allianz Australia. “It amuses me every year when I am entreated to remain with them as my insurer of choice,” said our tipster. Does Towell focus on the insurance risks of not wearing floppy hats to the cricket? (While this appears to be a real Terry Towell, there is a Crikey contributor called Terry Towelling.)

Samuel Mullet, an Amish bishop whose followers cut off the hair of fellow Amish men to settle grudges, sparking a US legal case.

Daniel Mony apparently works in the Finance Department at WA’s Department of Environment and Conservation. He should go far.

Barry Chipman, spokesman for Tasmania’s branch of the pro-logging Timber Communities Australia.

Former Tasmanian Senator Nick Sherry used to be the state secretary of the Liquor and Allied Trade Union – bottoms up!

Trevor Peeler is the long-time president of the Harcourt Fruit Growers Association. Let’s hope he grows apples as his talents would be wasted on peaches.

Neil Gamble used to be the boss at Star City casino.

Labor’s Michael Crutchfield used to be the member for the state Victorian seat of South Barwon. Our tipster thinks it’s funny that there was a Member Crutchfield and we childishly agree.

Robin Mahfood is president of Food for the Poor. “Please sir, I want some mah.”

Anyone in the queue for a flat in the Melbourne suburb of Richmond can try talking to Kate Wait, manager of public housing.

John West is the shark expert and spokesman at Taronga Zoo, and curates the Australian Shark Attack File. He sounds like a dangerously tasty snack for his subjects …

John Pranger is the former marketing manager at Honda. We’ve heard there’s a Mr Carr high-up at another auto firm.

Dan Spiller was the director of operations at SEQ Water Grid Manager during the 2010-11 Queensland floods

S.G. Grocock, artificial limb maker. Sydney-based Grocock was active in the 1950s-’70s. Our tipster used to drive past his office, noting “my headlights would pick up the brass plaque of an Artificial Limb specialist named ‘Grocock’. Can’t get better than that.” We agree wholeheartedly.

Wolf Siemen, apparently a prominent figure in animal husbandry. We’re not sure if this entrant is pulling our leg, and a Google search revealed no trace of Mr Siemen (although it produced some interesting results). Our entrant claims that on Mr Siemen handing out his business card, “smothering laughter suddenly became a zen-like exercise in self-control any casual observer may have mistaken for a stroke”.

And one humorous tipster pointed us towards former WA fisheries minister Julian Grill; “he used to batter the opposition and chip away at their policies”. Oh dear.

We also have a few contributions naming those who are not public figures, but we couldn’t help giving them a run: Will Summons (Sydney lawyer), Hayden Cock and Howard Bull (Melbourne PR peeps), and not one but three dentists called Dr Fang (in Canberra and Sydney). Open wide! Then there’s UK law firm Wright Hassall & Co, and legal associate Sue Yoo (at US firm Sullivan & Cromwell).

Don’t forget Dr Rohan Wee, who contacted us to reveal that he used to “work as the doctor in a continence clinic. So, yes, you were seen by Dr Wee about your urinary incontinence. Sigh.”

We’ve also had a wistful tipster who has urged Tony Abbott to become one.

 

Peter Fray

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