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Sep 17, 2012

Kate scandalette all nork and no action? Think again …

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, was last seen being borne through the streets of Honiara, capital of the Solomon Islands, in a vehicle decked out to look like a ceremonial canoe.

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, was last seen being borne through the streets of Honiara, capital of the Solomon Islands, in a vehicle decked out to look like a ceremonial canoe. Sweet scene, pure Gauguin. Now, that would have been a time to get the baps out … the native queen-to-be, moving among her people, like Venus arising from the waves …

Instead, the royal family is fighting desperately to stop the spread of a set of photos showing the Duchess sunbathing topless on the balcony of a French chateau. Published in the French magazine Closer, the photos were taken from a fair distance away, with a long lens.

That they breach French privacy laws has caused the publication to come under thereat of fine, albeit a rather piddling one, and its editor to be threatened with a prison term — which latter point has prompted said scribe to make a rather lame defence that the royal couple were not on private territory, “because there was a road nearby”.

Good luck with that — but good luck to the royals too, who initially decided to ignore the pictures, and then to go the full fang on them. By that point, Italian glossy Chi, owned by Silvio Berlusconi’s Mondadori company, had announced its intention to republish the photos, even as papers in Great Britain hastily announced their decision to have nothing to do with them.

Across the sea, in Lesser Britain (geographical term), they weren’t so shy, with the Irish Daily Star deciding to run a selection — although just to be absolutely safe, they weren’t distributed in Northern Ireland, which they usually supply. The Star is sub-tabloid — a sort of infrared-top — which features stories of about 45 words apiece, n-ked birds, boy-eats-own-foot stories and … well look, you’ve seen the Brisbane Times.

The move has left the paper’s editorial staff somewhat exposed, with both owners of the paper — Independent News Media, and Richard Desmond’s Northern Shell — criticising the decision to publish. INM is a relatively straight company. Desmond made his fortune in p-rnography — from Penthouse to Readers’ Wives –– but it is he who has said how shocked, shocked he is to see bre-sts on the front page of the Star, instead of page three (four, five, six …) where they belong.

Indeed, so angry is he that he has threatened to close the paper — a decision that has nothing to do with the fact that he owns the UK Daily Star entire, and could simply distribute an Irish edition on the Emerald Isle, saving him a fortune.

Meanwhile, of course, the pictures are available so far up on Google, you can access them almost via an act of thought. The UK papers know that to publish the photos, with Lord Leveson still to deliver his recommendations for press regulation, would be suicide — but they are hemming and hawing about the publication of Prince Harry’s Las Vegas nudie shots in terms of “public interest … does our Prince have adequate security …” (or, indeed, support).

The keenest debate around this latest scandalette — aside from the spurious point that this is “Diana all over again!” — is whether legal moves against publication will create a Streisand effect, prompting the ceaseless proliferation of the bo-bs across the tubes. Alternatively, it may be that there still some worth in preventing the spread of such pics through the paper press, as a way of maintaining some form of push-back.

All a little tame really. What a pity they did not double-down on the thing, and argue that y’know mother of future monarch, need to know they will be well-fed, etc (Crikey’s commitment to freedom demands that I record 34B, with an areola-to-nipple ratio of about three on the Cheezel scale of 1-5).

And on we go …

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34 comments

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34 thoughts on “Kate scandalette all nork and no action? Think again …

  1. paddy

    Loved “infrared-top”.

  2. Cyndi

    Hated “an areola-to-nipple ratio of about three on the Cheezel scale of 1-5”

  3. floorer

    I get your pun all nork no action, but there was (as you noted toward the end) fork all nork either.

  4. scott Roger

    “The Star is sub-tabloid — a sort of infrared-top — which features stories of about 45 words apiece, n-ked birds, boy-eats-own-foot stories and … well look, you’ve seen the Brisbane Times.” When did Rundle last visit Brisbane? There is a very fine newspaper here, on-line free via Fairfax, which any thinking Queenslander should be reading twice a day. Puts everything else in the shade, including Crikey, with hard-hitting coverage in depth of local politics and links to wider stories and articles well over 45 words and nary a naked bird that I can find. Rundle may need to talk to his own defamation lawyers.

  5. potatoes

    Guy Rundle, I love your american politics coverage. What happened? Were you worried that your readers were thinking “That Guy, he is so highbrow, getting on for Newsroom sanctimonious”? Had to lower the tone a bit? I only read this article because you wrote it and I was expecting something along the lines of – who gives a rats for this kind of t-tillation? I chuckled over the “Now would have been a time to get the baps out … the native queen-to-be, moving among her people, like Venus arising from the waves …” but then I got to “an areola-to-nipple ratio of about three on the Cheezel scale of 1-5”. Jeezus, I thought you were cleverer than that…Perhaps it pissed you off having to even cover this dross. I hope so.

  6. michael r james

    Hey, GR, why not get your fat arse off that Soho barstool and try to get a face-to-face with Assange? (P. Adams scored one, though maybe he knew JA from way back?). Anyway if you want to write about something readers would like:

    [No Assange DNA on torn condom – report September 17, 2012
    Forensic experts have failed to find crucial DNA evidence in the sexual assault case against Julian Assange … his lawyers suggest that is because a fake one may have been submitted..]

    If this is correct, one wonders if the Swedish legal case is about to collapse? (And will the Brits still pursue him for breaking bail?)

  7. david mckinnon

    I agree Scott the Brisbane Times is the best place for Brisbane/Qld news even though it’s only available online. Read the Courier Mail on the BCC library website for free if you must look at it in full. As for this little story well I didn’t bother google the description is enough.

  8. michael r james

    GR was possibly being sardonic about the BT. Either that or he has a d!ck measuring contest of long standing with John Birmingham.

  9. Venise Alstergren

    For God’s sake Guy, FFS what does it matter if the Duchess is photographed bare breasted? If people weren’t so obsessed about the subject of tits the vendors of this tripe wouldn’t have a market.

  10. SBH

    No Guy, wrong again, Britannia Minor is Brittany not Ireland. still what’s a fact 0r two eh?

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