I’d like to present a study of the sometimes misunderstood mammal that is the Young Expat.

The Young Expat is not, as first thought, aggressive towards humans. Many Expats actually feast upon a vegetarian diet due to high celiac rates. Scientists continue to investigate the cause of this baffling trend.

The Expat is a social creature. When in large groups Expats will express enjoyment in the form of a loud, coarse roar. Occasionally this will excite neighbouring Clans. Inquisitive individuals may treat the act as a threat and as such will cautiously investigate in search of clarification. Sunset sees numerous Expats Clans congregate at local watering holes not only to hydrate but to parade colourful robes and dance in the hope of attracting a mate.

Expat communication is complicated compared to that of their nearest relative: the Homo sapiens. Known to scientists as ‘Facebook’ or ’email’ the complex communication system allows Expats to arrange mass gatherings known as ‘Events’. ‘Events’ can either be intimate or large gatherings containing up to several hundred members from various Clans. ‘Events’ can sometimes last for days.

While ‘Events’ are common it must be said that the work ethic of the Expat is surprisingly fierce. Expats appear to be a highly self motivated species willing to help one another with even the most banal task. The Expat appears willing to assist other species they feel is in danger or in need of assistance. On many occasions help has not been requested, but due to incredible drive and motivation from the Expat help is given, largely with a smile.

The Young Expat is a burgeoning student of integration. Scientists studying Clans in South East Asia revealed a willingness of Clans to learn indigenous dialect and a sometimes bizarre, almost obsessive, willingness to sample regional food. While this often ends in illness the Expat shows incredible resilience and will persist until feeling totally comfortable in its new environment.

Often, when feeling lost, the Expat will barter with local peoples to acquire simple stalls or small lots of land which they use, to the best of the limited memory, in recreating familiar environments. Many of these structures have the identical markings: ‘C A F E’, ‘C O F F E E’, ‘B O U T I Q U E’ and ‘B A R’. Prolonged observations by scientists reveal that the structures serve as sacred shrines which often host ‘Events’.

There are many dates on the Expats calendar that seem to draw much activity within the Clans. While scientist are still investigating their meaning, the 25th and 31st of December seem of much interest. Upon these dates the Expat will come together, eat, drink, dance and exchange belongings.

While the 25th is more intimate in nature, the 31st appears to be a celebration of pure hedonism. Scientists are still uncertain if the period between marks a change in seasons or tides. The climax of the December ‘Events’ is midnight of the 31st which leaves many to suggest it may mark a change in planetary alignment. There is still much debate about its meaning.

While we have learnt much about the Expat we are still no closer to unlocking the secret for their migration. Many Expat migrate for short periods of time while others will settle for years in their new environment. Scientists are not yet able to find a pattern in their movements.

As more and more Expat migrate Scientists are confident of tracking their movements via a GPS software called Foursquare. This tracking system will allow Scientists to gain further insight into migration patterns and unlock the mystery of the Young Expat.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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