Crikey intern Alexandra Patrikios writes: The office Kris Kringle is typically a kringe-worthy affair — but if you think you’ve got it tough, spare a thought for the poor bastards at Capital Hill.

But never fear, Crikey is here, armed with gift suggestions for the a few parliamentarian pressies:

Malcolm Turnbull: In the post-Grech era, methinks Mal could do with some spam detection software. Need I say more?

Julie Bishop: Renowned for her unmatched death-stare, you can’t go wrong with eye-drops. Garden gnomes nationwide will be shuddering in their ceramic boots.

Andrew Wilkie: A two-dollar Scratchie should do the trick, don’t you think?

Nick Xenophon: Long-time Scientology opponent, I’d get Mr X his very own copy of *Knight and Day* so that he can watch Tom Cruise suffer a slow and painful death.

Julia Gillard: Much maligned for her voluptuous earlobes, perhaps our Red Queen would appreciate a statute Buddha so she doesn’t feel so alone.

Tony Abbott: A useful gift is a successful gift. A shovel might come in handy when time comes to exhume the “dead, buried and cremated” corpse of Workchoices.

Rob Oakeshott: a portable egg-timer. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, because it ensures Oakie won’t.

Kevin Rudd: A publisher’s deal. Think about it, the possibilities are endless: Jasper and Abby Versus The Evil Removalist Truck, Programmatic Specificity! Or How I Learned To Stop Worry And Love Technocratic Rhetoric, or, if it takes his fancy, a haiku anthology simply entitled Saucebottle.

John Howard: Maybe throw in a book deal order for him too, so he can pen Lazarus Power-Walking, a guide to healthy living, the J.Winston way.

Wyatt Roy: DVD collection of Doogie Howser, M.D, so he can finally understand why all those nasty commentators keep spelling his name wrong.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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