Every age has a great savant — someone whose enhanced understanding of the world and its mysteries is so uniquely lucid they alone can divine the answers to life’s big questions. Questions such as: How do I know I exist? What is the meaning of life? And just how does one accessorise an otherwise unremarkable black shift?
Just in case you’ve missed it, Gywneth Paltrow has been tackling such pressing philosophical conundrums in her online temple, Goop.
Neatly segmented into life’s essential categories — Make, Go, Get, Do, Be and See — Gywnnie herself sources expert advice from her self-help brethren to help her loyal readers combat the slings and arrows of contemporary life (see entry soberly entitled: “Overcoming Sugar Addiction”).
And while “gp” herself often keeps things brief, she occasionally appears before her loyal congregation to give them guidance on fashion accessorising, including a visual inventory of her own personal wardrobe. Forget papal robes — Gywnnie’s spiritual garb consists of Stella McCartney blazers, Givenchy booties and a Lanvin pearl necklace.
But what’s that? An advertising ploy? How dare you say such evil things, blaspheme! It’s a claim Gywnnie herself refutes:
“Everything on this website is authentically recommended by me, whether it be something I absolutely love, something that was recommended to me by a trusted friend or something I’m planning to try. All the content is tried and tested by me or a GOOP certified source, and of course, nothing here is an advertisement …”
(Right before she recommends a pair of Topshop booties as “a great alternative to my Burberry Prorsum pair for $1095”.)
And just as Jesus said unto his followers, “take this wine, for it is my blood”, so too does Gywnnie offer a communion beverage — a kale smoothie. Mmm … delicious.
For those seeking genuine spiritual clarity, Gwynnie recommends learning how to meditate — a practice she says (with all the celestial gravity of a Delphic goddess) is “really freakin’ brilliant”. She especially likes it because, in the go-go world of Iron Man 2 workouts and Glee cameos, things just get a little bit too much. Sometimes, between her 10-day detox and regular visits to the acupuncturist, Gywnnie confesses her “brain drives me mental”.
Really, gp? Somehow I find that hard to believe …