Alas, Fremantle’s winning streak is over. And the Western Bulldogs lost. The mood was grim in Crikey HQ, but Crikey cartoonist First Dog on the Moon and Production Manager Leigh Josey fought through it. After all, today is L. Ron Hubbard Exhibition Day.
Leigh Josey: Morning Mr Onthemoon. It’s a beautiful morning here in Melbourne, which some say is the sporting capital of the universe. How has your week been? Enjoy your holidays?
Firstdog Onthemoon: It was a working holiday so no. My week has been average. A bit up, a bit down, sort of rummaging about in the middle. How about you?
Leigh Josey: Probably a little the same. However it’s been a riveting week in sport. It sounds like a cliché but it’s true. The AFL was great, the NRL was great, there’s an investigation into the IPL triggered, by all things, Twitter. I’m excited. So, talk us through the Western Bulldogs vs. Brisbane Lions. How did you let that one go?
Firstdog Onthemoon: There were a number of factors, not the least of which that we were shit. Apparently the Lions have been gearing up for this one since we flogged them last time and it looks like they might be on to something with Fev and Brown — although Williams and Lake kept them reasonably quiet for most of it, just not enough of it. Our midfield struggled — Picken and Ward are difficult outs for a game like that and of course we missed Aker and particularly Johnno. Also it was in Brisbane and everyone knows the air in Queensland is poisonous.
Leigh Josey: When I saw that guy throw beer at Fev, I thought of you. I knew it wasn’t you, as you were in Melbourne, but I thought to myself “I wonder if Dog would do that?” Then I realised you wouldn’t waste beer, you’d probably throw a cooked chicken at him. I like it how the Doggies didn’t ban the fan in question. He spent two days in lock up.
Firstdog Onthemoon: The punishment surely did not fit the crime. Of course I don’t think punters should be chucking beer on players and the gentleman in question appears to be a dickhead. It does seem odd though that this guy gets two days in the clink and is being investigated by the AFL for pouring the dregs of his beer on Fev’s elbow while Fev was in the process of abusing the crowd and then last year, the lass who unprovoked, threw a whole beer over Johnno while he was running past gets nothing. Perhaps it is because the water in Queensland is filled with toxins.
Leigh Josey: Rest assured dear Queensland reader, Crikey does like your state. So round 4 of the AFL. St Kilda and Brisbane undefeated. Geelong travelling very nicely. Sydney and Fremantle the surprise packets. A host of slightly disappointing teams led by your mob and Hawthorn. And then Adelaide. And then Richmond. What’s your take on the season thus far?
Firstdog Onthemoon: The season has barely started. I was sorry to see your mob, the Purple Groin Explosion get done by the wicked Riewoldtless saints. But the Freo fairy tale isn’t off the rails yet. Of course I do not tip Freo. Sydney schmidney. Adelaide is a bit of a surprise, the professor looks to be in trouble early. Hawthorn are over and thank goodness for Jeff Kennett and his friendly pack of homophobes down at Beyond Blue. Of course, Richmond getting flogged by Melbourne what can you say… hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Meanwhile the dogs need to hit their straps as they say and we should be alright — we are at a bit of a crossroads (even this early) and Matty Boyd had finger surgery so will miss a week. (Can I just say that if I had a plate inserted in my hand I wouldn’t just miss a week of footy, I would be bedridden for six months — weeping the whole time) Anyway, dogs are 2 and 2 and playing ordinary football so … we are not panicking yet. Did you know that by law, all food sold in Queensland must to contain a small amount of ground glass? True!
Leigh Josey: Profound. A great win by Manly in the NRL yesterday. Crikey‘s NRL tipster Ant Halstead picked Manly by 13 points. He was scoffed at. They only won by two — but Ant picked it. Very hard to beat the Melbourne Storm in Melbourne. The Dragons are flying on top of the table, but Manly, Penrith and the Storm are all playing great football. Cronulla on the other hand, not so much. Sharks legend Gavin Miller has come out today and fears for the future of Cronulla — interesting times.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Didn’t that one guy’s head come clean off?
Leigh Josey: Umm … yeah. Don’t you want to know what’s happening with the Russell Crowes at least?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Oh yeah! And the Mel Gibsons! Apparently it is all over with his new girlfriend who has had one of his children and he still owes $300 million to his former wife who has had 17 of his children and now he is sleeping on Danny Glover’s couch.
Leigh Josey: So to the volcano. There’s always good news when things like this happen. One of them is that US President Barack Obama got time to play a game of golf . Now when it comes to basketball, Obama’s got game. But golf? How’s your golf game Dog?
Firstdog Onthemoon: I know how to play golf! You hit that little ball with that big stick thingy. It is quite complicated and tends to involve chafing if you have to go for all 18 holes. I have had a number of successful golfing adventures in my time! Successful in that nobody died and the rash went away after a few days.
Leigh Josey: Good to hear. Interesting story today coming out of India. The IPL is in hot water. The Indian government has launched investigations into the financial dealings by all IPL clubs, including scrutiny on tax and its payments to its players. The investigations started via Twitter. Now you know I’m not a Twitter fan, but you are somewhat of a Twitter celebrity. Can Twitter bring down Indian cricket?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Absolutely, in fact it is funny you should mention it because today’s most underreported sport is Twicket which I just invented and is a form of cricket played entirely on social media networks. And of course these days, you have a hilarious idea and you Google it and it looks like everyone else has thought of it before but fuck the lot of them Twicket was my idea and also an Ewok. Anyway, more of that later. But seriously, Twenty20 Cricket is here to stay and One Day cricket appears to be rubbish so why not? Also corruption? That is what happens when you let capitalists from foreign countries run things.
Leigh Josey: Yes, well. I agree. I think. So tell me about Twicket.
Firstdog Onthemoon: It is a made up game I made up.
Firstdog Onthemoon: No wait, it’s real.
Leigh Josey: Fantastic. And that’s copyright pending by the way dear reader. Copyright pending, Crikey Sports 2010.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes Twicket. You play Twicket on a wicket, there’s a ball, you have to kick it through nasty prickly thicket, and the ball must hit a picket. If it does you get a ticket which you grab and quickly flick it through the air so you can stick it on a small glue covered dog which you then throw off a cliff into a bucket of moths. There are interesting some similarities to Custardgammon and Hoopity however the game developed completely independently of those other sports and so appears to confirm Jung’s theory of the Collective Unconscious. Spooky!
Leigh Josey: You’re a dickit. But I think Twicket is wicked. My underreported sport of the week comes from the heady world of dog grooming, with the prestigious Intergroom festival in particular not getting the recognition it deserves. This is sport, real sport, at its best people. Animals. Dye. Scissors. All the ingredients sports fans need.
Firstdog Onthemoon: No, it is cruel and merely another indication that humanity’s time at the top of the evolutionary pyramid will soon be over. Aren’t we dickheads. I for one welcome our Bucket of Moths overlords.
Leigh Josey: Sportsperson of the week?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Campbell Davey.
Leigh Josey: The Bulldogs supporter who threw beer at Fevola?
Firstdog Onthemoon: No, funny coincidence though! I was thinking of the Campbell Davey who plays Front Left Mothbucket for the Rajisthan Archetypes in the ITL.
Leigh Josey: OK. Like how there’s a Bryce Gibbs in the AFL and the NRL? Sportsperson of the week, for me, goes to an “unnamed Premier League player” — who, according to The Spoiler, ” is apparently in the rather unappealing position of having to fork out £15,000 every three months as ‘protection money’ to a South London street gang.” I think that’s a very fitting award considering the untimely demise of one Carl Williams. Have a great week Dog.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Well we are facing the hapless Crows this week so that should cheer me up. And if we lose, I won’t be back.