Sport. The final frontier… Do you know that in doing research for this column I discovered that there was a town in Tasmania called Eggs and Bacon Bay? There is. And sounds like a wonderful place! This week, Crikey’s Production Manager Leigh Josey and cartoonist First Dog on the Moon look back at the week in sport.
Leigh Josey: Morning Mr Dog. How was your weekend?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Filled with ROFL and good times at Chez Chien. Spent Friday night at the Footscray Gym watching the under 12s Newtball finals. Saturday was up at the crack and down in Yarraville Gardens with Tess the Trainer — did the 4k time trial in 21:38 which is not only a personal best but takes 33 seconds of my best time. Not bad for a morbidly obese corgi with a wooden leg! Afterward had breakfast/brunch/lunch at the Grease Trap Cafe — finest battered savs in all of Altona. Sunday was a day of rest so I lay on the couch and yelled at the children.
Leigh Josey: Good to hear. I have a theory I want to run past you. If Perth beat Wollongong in the NBL grand final, and Victoria beat Queensland in the Sheffield Shield final, Sydney beat Melbourne in the A-League grand final and The Northern Mystics beat the Adelaide Thunderbirds in the netball … then which is the greatest sporting city/locality of them all?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Braidwood, NSW — The Araluen Ants were crushed by the Braidwood Baby Neglecters in the grand final of the Southern Tablelands mixed netball league on the weekend. A mind bogglingly violent game, it ran for 11 hours and the St Johns ambulance were called in twice to deal with a blood nose and a couple of swollen ankles. Eventually in the final leg, the Baby Neglecters ran away with it 14-16-197 to 11-1-82.
Leigh Josey: Hard to top that. I thought it might be Watanobbi, which I believe is named after Max Markson. Which leads me to Pup, what an innings. His 168 against New Zealand on the weekend was truly a vice-captain’s and/or dude that broke up with high maintenance wag knock. Very impressive.
Firstdog Onthemoon: He can certainly play cricket. And he thanked Lara too. I like him more and more — unlike those donuts at the Herald Sun with their headline — Take that Lara.
Who are these people? Misogynist plonkers, they should be banned from reporting sport until they grow up.
Leigh Josey: Saw that. Strange. Watch the A-League final on Saturday night? I didn’t get to watch any of the game as I had my cricket presentation night. I’m glad the greater city of Sydney won something. I feel happy for them. It goes in some small way to compensate them for having to deal with Kevin Sheedy for the next 25 years.
Firstdog Onthemoon: I watched the game on Twitter – apparently it was quite close. This just in from my friend Paul on Facebook “FUCK!” So I think that means Sydney won. I accidentally saw Gerard Whateley (of I do not tip Fremantle Facebook Group fame) on the ABC on Sunday. He said it was quite a game too. Apparently it was Kevin Muscat’s fault. As for Sheeds! He is a champion! Has done more for indigenous representation in football than loads of people who have done less and there are quite a few of those.
Leigh Josey: Indeed. It was good to see the Vics get up in the Sheffield Shield. Unless you’re a Queenslander. Then it’s probably not so good. Some say the Sheffield Shield final format is dying. I say humbug. That was cricket at its best.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Sheffield Shield! I hate State cricket for no apparent reason. But I’m glad it’s not called the Pura Cup. That was a disgrace.
Leigh Josey: Milk, that was a bad choice. In other news, Crikey Sports’ own Ant Halstead has so far tipped seven out of seven this week in the NRL. It all comes down to whether the Broncos win tonight. I tip my hat to you sir.
Firstdog Onthemoon: I did note that Richo and Barry are telling Gary Ablett to take the money and run. And Gary’s agent the inexorable Liam Pickering has got the poos because Bomber begged Gary to stay publicly. Hopefully a huge rift is forming and Gazza will get a multi-gazillion dollar contract at the Gold Coast and they can make a miniseries and sales of Gary Ablett Brand Bathmats will go through the roof. Unlike the First Dog On The Moon bumper stickers, sales of which are a bit sluggish. But I’m glad you asked Leigh, apparently these hilarious and adorable bumper stickers (which were narrowly defeated in the Tasmanian State election) can cure cancer and inseminate your prize cow and yet for some reason people aren’t buying them buy the bale. Ungrateful bastards. Only $10 including postage and handling what is wrong with you people?
Leigh Josey: Nice. The problem you have is you need someone famous to market your bumper stickers. I reckon Lara Bingle or Mark Taylor. Maybe even Warwick Capper. Underreported sport of the week?
Firstdog Onthemoon: I need an agent!! Why didn’t I think of it!!! Do you have Max Markson’s number? Liam Pickering’s? I look totally hot in a Bikini, but I would never let Fev photograph me nude in the shower because I HAVE STANDARDS NOT LIKE SOME PEOPLE. The most underreported sport of the week is Newtball. So underreported I cannot describe it to you as I have never even heard of it. Why does the Main Stream Media hate Newtball?
Leigh Josey: They hate because they don’t understand. Break down the barriers Dog. What is Newtball?
Firstdog Onthemoon: I don’t know. But I assume there is a newt and a ball. Perhaps a series of newts. Maybe it is like the Magnetic Island Crab Races except with newts and tiny goals. Or perhaps it is something like Cane Toad Golf except with newts and no cane toads or golf. The question to ask is why is any sport underreported? Are we so anti-sport in this country that half a dozen blokes glassing each other outside a nightclub at 4am can’t be turned into a spectator event with odds from Centrebet? Why is Australia filled with namby-pamby nanny state wowsers who want to control everything and why do we have to have speed limits anyway I mean my 1998 Camry can go at 200 km an hour but can I drive it that fast no I cannot because I am too frightened.
Leigh Josey: Hmmm .. well I’m going to get my high horse too then. Fencing? Where’s the love for fencing? Yesterday Ukrainian sabrist (sabrist people! That’s like one step away from being a Jedi Knight) Olga Kharlan won again. And there’s no love for fencing. Where’s the sex and drugs and rock and roll for fencing? There isn’t any. It’s badly ignored. I demand an inquest. An inquest into fencing, and an inquest into why you drive a Camry. Have you not forgotten who won the 1997 AFL Preliminary final? And who sponsors them. You should be ashamed.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes I have forgotten everything that happened before last Tuesday. It is the hedonistic lifestyle of a Celebrity Cartoonist, I am lucky if I remember to wear trousers. Who knew you were a fencophile! You go girlfriend, get some foil on your scabbard or whatever they say in the Ukraine when one bloke has been more stabbier than the other bloke.
Leigh Josey: And sportsperson of the week?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Barack Obama — for cancelling his Aussie tour in favour of winning the Healthcare Marathon
Leigh Josey: I think Barack would be honoured. I’m choosing Manly coach Des Hasler who said “I will personally pay for those two touch judges (Jeff Younis and Gavin Reynolds) to visit OPSM to get a check-up” at the post game press conference after losing to the Parramatta Eels. He says what we’re all thinking. Thanks Dog. Good luck with the bumper stickers.
Firstdog Onthemoon: No thank you.