Bumnuts: choose your opponent carefully...

Today is International Day Against Police Brutality. It’s also the day in which First Dog on the Moon declares his public love for Barry Hall.

Leigh Josey: Good morning Mr Onthemoon. I might as well get this over and done with … go the Doggies. You won the AFL NAB Cup final against St Kilda, first piece of silverware in 40 years, man crushes all round on Barry Hall…

Firstdog Onthemoon: Sorry, can’t talk today. Too busy covering my cubicle with Barry Hall Brand Wallpaper and redecorating my desk with items from the Big Bad Homewares line. And I  have one of those new Talking Barry Action Figures as well! What’s that Barry? I should kick it long so you can gently pluck the ball out of the air like a ripe mango while you crush the spines of numerous hapless defenders? Sure thing Barry!

Leigh Josey: Hmmm, I think I under diagnosed your man love. It was a fantastic effort by the Doggies, of which you captured beautifully in your inaugural weekly Bulldogs cartoon. What was your highlight?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Highlight? Had to be Barry. He fits in to the structure beautifully, last year we would have been kicking long to Johnno or Mitch or Wilbur and it just didn’t cut it often enough. I just hope we don’t over use the kick it to Barry scenario (although that is a good problem to have). We have such a lovely, unpredictable multi-pronged attack and he has just added that extra thingingness to make us inexorably, irresistibly, pant flappingly good.

I think the point where Barry drew FOUR defenders and still marked the ball and kicked a goal was my highlight. The lowlight was not drinking beer after the game because I had to run 14.36km for the so-called kids the next day.

Leigh Josey: You didn’t drink beer? Shame on you. Barry Hall should punch you. How did the run go? I heard there were jockeys in the run. Hope you beat them…

Firstdog Onthemoon: I would have beaten everyone except some of those bastards cheated by being faster than me. I hit the wall at about 6km, I went blind around 9km and then hallucinated the last 4km because they made us run up the hill at Southern Cross.

By the end of it I thought I was Robert Murphy in a tutu trying to find my way to the Emerald City so the Wizard could help me get home. Also, the bastards ran out of Gatorade before I got to the finish. All I wanted was a free Gatorade. But no. Anyway, I’ve heard it tastes like Mr Shuffles’ urine so phooey.

I did the whole thing in under two hours so I am a total legend who can barely walk today. I assume my Order of Australia is in the post.

Leigh Josey: Ha! Sounds like fun! The Order of Australia is probably in the post along with the Restraining Order issued by one Barry Hall of Broadmeadows. The NRL season kicked off this weekend, which was well covered by Crikey Sports’ Ant “Choc” Halstead. I think it’s important that someone nicknamed “Choc” covers  the fine sport of rugby league.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Did the Russel Crowes win?

Leigh Josey: No. The Rabbitohs got thrashed by the Roosters 36-10. If you were a Souths fan it was probably worse than watching that movie with Russ in it where he sailed around the world getting into fights.

Firstdog Onthemoon: They showed that movie to my daughter in a class on economics. She thought it was crap.

Leigh Josey: Economics? Was it a lesson on how NOT to make money in the entertainment industry? Or on the demand/supply economics of colonisation during the Napoleonic wars? I’m intrigued.

Firstdog Onthemoon: She wasn’t sure. “But that Russel Crow guy is a dickhead” apparently. I noticed while looking in the Sports Section for photos of Barry Hall that Steve Hooker won the Olympic Gold Commonwealth World Record Medal for Polar Vaulting as well on the weekend. You’re an ice jumping fan from way back aren’t you Lethal?

Leigh Josey: I prefer Nordic dwarf tossing myself but I’m glad our Aussie heroes are jumping over bears. It would be a waste of taxpayers’ money if we weren’t. Sydney play Melbourne in Melbourne in the grand final of the A-League on Saturday night. Will this game finally settle the debate over which city is better?

Firstdog Onthemoon: $16 million dollars it cost us for each Olympic medal at the winter Olympics. Just saying. Also I need to completely rebuild my bathroom as water has been leaking into the walls for years rotting everything. That’s only going to cost about $15k but no, Australia prefers to medal in the Ice Darts rather than providing my family with decent facilities. It’s a disgrace.

Meanwhile over on Facebook our A League correspondent, my friend Paul, says “Melbourne vs. Sydney in the A Leagues biggest grand final ever. One more week of anti Sydney updates that would make your mother blush.”

So it’s heating up in the Association Football and mums around the nation will be covering their ears and reaching for the soap. Lawks a mussy!

And Bombala is a better city than either Sydney or Melbourne

Leigh Josey: Hmm … cricket. Should Lara Bingle open the bowling and does Max Markson have the technique to replace Pup at the top of the batting order?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Tragedy. I can’t believe I agree with Miranda Devine but I did in part. We love to hate chicks in this country. Especially young beautiful ones who have sex.

Lara Bingle’s worst crime was to hire Max Markson, other than that she has done nothing other than get work as a bikini model whatever that is. And Pup came home to deal with his relationship, he has give his emotional life priority over his job. The bastard.

It is unAustralian and we would cut off his goolies except no doubt Lara already has them in a jar under her lavender scented fancy pillow.

Leigh Josey: OK then. You have a thing for Barry … and Lara. I’m letting that go through to the keeper. Underreported sports of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Bumnuts — A game from my childhood days in the schoolyard. We would choose the most unfortunate child in the playground and throw rocks at them until they yelled “Bumnuts!”. It was always better with new kids who didn’t know the rules.

I tried out for the Australian Olympic Bumnuts team in my early twenties, however there wasn’t one so I was unsuccessful. I still think I could have medalled in the Bumnuts for Australia given the chance.

Leigh Josey: Fuck that’s funny. My ribs hurt you prick. Today I salute the United States of America Rock Paper Scissors league who hold their 2010 championships in Acapulco, Mexico, today during Spring break. Obviously, it has nothing on Bumnuts. Sports person of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Previous recipients of this prestigious award include Pup for having heart, myself for my excellent training for Run For the Kids and Barry Hall for kicking loads of goals.

It was difficult for the judges this week however they decided to award the Golden Flapstick for Crikey’s Sportsperson of the week to … the envelope please … oh my goodness! It is a split decision and so this week the award goes to both me for not dying while running 14.36km in the Run for the Kids and to Barry Hall for not killing anyone while he kicked 7 goals during the Dogs win over the hapless Saints and their proud Captain Diver Dan.

Leigh Josey: Both worthy winners. I’m giving it to Max Markson. Australia’s been crying out for a quality spinner since Shane Warne retired and this guy has talent. Well played today First Dog .. Bumnuts … seriously…

Firstdog Onthemoon: No, not First Dog Bumnuts, he is a different guy altogether.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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