Flapsticks: the game of dressing up as a seal and using a giant skewer to harm Louis Nowra
Flapsticks: explained below

What happened in sport across the world this week? It’s not a rhetorical question. We don’t know…

Leigh Josey: Good morning First Dog, how was your weekend? Go to the footy?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I did go to the footy Lethal — I went on Friday night and watch an awful game of football between the Western Bulldogs and the Port Adelaide Poodles. I was however delighted to see that Barry kicked four goals, three points and contributed directly to another three goals. I know it’s just the NAB Cup but some of my footy mates had tears in their eyes at the end. Only the NAB cup but it’s an important milestone on the Dogs journey in 2010. How about your team, how did they go?

Leigh Josey: Forget Freo. It’s only preseason (and we were smashed by the Saints and there’s not much to say except St Kilda are a damn fine team). The story is the Doggies have made their first final of any type in 40 years. 2010 is shaping up as a festivus for Footscray fans, where all your Christmas’ come at once — Barry Hall is Santa and I suppose Tony Liberatore is an elf.

Firstdog Onthemoon: No, Rodney Eade is Santa and Robert Murphy is an elf. David Smorgon is Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer or something. I think Barry is Frosty the snowman. Or the Easter Bunny. At this point of the season, when your hope is laid out in those 44 names on the list it is easier to feel good about what is coming. Even so, it is a good time to be lying down with the dogs. I was excited to see that Etihad Stadium collapsed but they still put the footy on. Not even God could save Freo.

Leigh Josey: Ha! God certainly doesn’t follow Freo. Maybe as a passing interest. He probably supports the Swans. Now I want to talk about something. The lid. Is it off or on for Doggies supporters? If the last time my team won a premiership was when Marilyn Monroe married Joe DiMaggio I’d be a little excited at the prospect of winning a flag.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Nooooo — we are not even talking about the lid. There is no doubt that this is as good a shot as we have had in many years and if everything goes right… People were already feeling upbeat and we are still turning up blokes like Brodie “The Moleman” Moles. But no, Dogs supporters know pain and suffering as a birthright. The lid won’t come off until the final siren sounds, the fat lady sings and Sam Newman punches someone’s car door in Albert Park.

Leigh Josey: Watch the Oscars? I was thinking we could do a sports type Oscars awards. I’ll give you the category, you give me the winner. Best attempt by a sportsperson to be sportsperson when they are clearly not?

Firstdog Onthemoon: John Howard

Leigh Josey: Indeed. Best male actor in a sporting performance?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Nick Riewoldt — In last year’s Preliminary Final.

Leigh Josey: Nice.  Best female actor in a sporting performance?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Nick Riewoldt — In last year’s Preliminary Final.

Leigh Josey: Touché. The Ray “Rabbits” Warren memorial award for best performance in a commentary booth?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Depends on your view of the world. Dennis Commetti is always streets ahead of the pack, so much so that he should probably be ineligible by now. Or illegible.

I have been enjoying Luke Darcy’s work. The team that SEN has put together for the soccer is a lot better than I would have expected. Still don’t know whether to laugh at Kerry “The Skull” O’Keefe or have him killed for his contributions to cricket broadcasting. I am also unexpectedly fond of Brian Taylor of MMM and Nine.

All I know is that I want everyone else who calls AFL at Fox Sports to be shoved into a big pit and covered over with death adders who have just found out that Dwayne Russel will be calling every game of football they ever watch

Leigh Josey: Best foreign language sport?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Anything that Bruce McAvaney is calling

Leigh Josey: Delicious. Well I’m sure our reader/s can’t wait for next year’s awards. What’s your take on the Fevola/Bingle/Marxson/Clarke/Lee Harvey Oswald debacle?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I blame Alex Fevola for not being hot enough to keep her man at home.

Leigh Josey: OK then…

Firstdog Onthemoon: We cross live now to Facebook for an update from my friend Paul on the Association Football ” Paul is basking in the afterglow of a) Melbourne beating Sydney b) Melbourne beating Sydney in injury time c) Sydney again losing to an Archie Thompson goal and d) another grand final.”

Leigh Josey: I’d say the answer to that is A,B,C and D. I think the good news story this week is New Zealand won at something. I think that’s swell.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Oh yeah Headbuttgate I forgot about — Is there anything to like about Australia’s cricketers? Mitchell Johnson, what a plonker. I mean really, they utterly lack any charisma, grace, wit, or capacity for simple human decency. They are gloating graceless winners, sulky petulant losers and boorish petty pompous competitors . Their grinding style of cricket might be admirable but do they have be such dicks about it? I don’t mind pup though, pity about Lara.

Leigh Josey: I think they should be forced to watch Sandra Bullock’s acceptance speech as a lesson in humility.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes, them and all of Meryl Streep’s other girlfriends.

Leigh Josey: OK. Underreported sport of the week. If this column is anything to go by it’s probably rugby. But I’m throwing Floorball into the ring on the insistence of Jock Wrap reader “The Pav”. Floorball — it’s hockey, indoors — and apparently we’re OK at it. I feel for the selfless purveyors of this sport that toil night and day with little to no recognition. This is your moment.

Firstdog Onthemoon: No. This week in honour of International Women’s Day, the most underreported sport of the week is Flapsticks which I just made up. A Flapsticks team consists of 11 players all of whom are dressed as seals. The object of the game is to pass the flapstick (like a satay skewer) through a tiny hoop mounted three meters above the surface of the water using only your flippers. Players are not permitted to leave the pool. The first one to punch Louis Nowra in the head wins.

Leigh Josey: Simply awesome. I’m changing my vote to Flapsticks. Flapsticks for everyone! Sportsperson of the Week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Pup, for prioritising family over that other thing he was doing.

Leigh Josey: Interesting. In contrast I’m going for John Howard. I manage to piss of my beautiful girlfriend of 18 months every summer by playing park cricket every Saturday. Janette is going to be ultra pissed at Johhny for going off to run world cricket. Pissing Janette off takes balls.

Firstdog Onthemoon: That last sentence is making me uncomfortable.