Crikey’s Production Manager Leigh Josey and Crikey cartoonist extraordinaire First Dog on the Moon launch the first ever edition of a yet to be named weekly sports wrap. We are currently thinking of calling it “Don’t bite me, I’m from Queensland” — can you think of a better name. Really. We need some help.
Leigh Josey: So FD, it’s the inaugural Crikey Sports Monday or Tuesday sports wrap with me, Leigh Josey, and you, First Dog on the Moon. Excited?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Not really, sport in this country is a joke now. It’s not like it was in my day. People just don’t get flattened any more the way I did in my first (and only ) season with the Yarralumla Seagulls Rugby League Under 10s.
Leigh Josey: Interesting. Use that anger and come up with a decent name for this hopefully ongoing addition to the Crikey stable. Any ideas?
Firstdog Onthemoon: On the froth. Up the middle. Dacked at the MCG in front of 60,000. Beards at 20 paces. Don’t bite me, I’m from Queensland.
Leigh Josey: I like “Don’t bite me, I’m from Queensland” — but we might open it up to our reader/s. Moving on. AFL NAB cup — footy’s back. I’m a mad Freo man, you are besotted with the Doggies. How did your boys go last night?
Firstdog Onthemoon: If we kicked straight we might have been impressive. That Moles guy looks the goods and Mr Murphy appears to have had a proper preseason which is nice. We play the Hawks in a fortnight which should be moderately interesting. Trouble with the preseason cup is you read too much into it even though you shouldn’t. Unless you are the Tigers ahahahahahahah.
Leigh Josey: I live in Richmond. I’ve got a tonne of mates who follow Richmond. But I think they are in for some trouble this year (and that’s coming from a Freo supporter). In summary Dog, what’s in store for Tiger fans this year in seven words.
Firstdog Onthemoon: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck arse.
Firstdog Onthemoon: I think that’s eight words.
Leigh Josey: I think you just alienated our entire potential Richmond readership in our first article. Anyway, in a seamless segue let’s move from one debacle to another. Cricket?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Everyone appears to be rubbish at cricket at the moment, some are just more rubbish than others. I’m bored. I think we need to spend more time focussing on real sports like the Rexona’s Greatest Athlete competition and how Ricky Ponting can captain Australia but still have a squeaky weird little voice.
Leigh Josey: I think David Boon should enter the Rexona’s Greatest Athlete competition. Athletes are over rated. Being able to drink 52 cans of beer en route to London is under rated. Who’s your tip for the Allan Border Medal — cricket’s night of nights?
Firstdog Onthemoon: David Boon.
Leigh Josey: Yep. Agree. A-League?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Apparently the Melbourne Heart are doing quite well. Seriously though, the people who came up with that name should be pushed into a pit and covered over with giant foam hands.
Leigh Josey: What would you have gone with?
Firstdog Onthemoon: The Hot Potatoes. The Melbourne Froth. The Travelling Wilburys. Or maybe they should have gone more medieval, The Melbourne Death or The Melbourne Plague. How about The Melbourne Ramraid. The Melbourne Nightclub Glassers.
Leigh Josey: Brilliant. You’re wasting your talent drawing cartoons for a living. In the NRL, the Indigenous All Stars took on the NRL All Stars and prevailed 16-12. Was a good game. You a fan?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Of Indigenous people? Absolutely. I loved all their movies.
Leigh Josey: Yep. OK. Moving on. It’s time to introduce a couple of sections to this earnest column. Firstly, Sportsperson of the Week. Who for you, Mr Dog, deserves the gong this week?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Me. I ran 14km yesterday in training for a “fun” run. Also, I haven’t had a drink since January and if those two things don’t put me in the pantheon of the Greatest of All Time then I don’t want to be a human being any more. The rest of you can all get nicked.
Leigh Josey: You already have a daily column in the Crikey email plus your own blog and you have the gall to nominate yourself for Sportsperson of the Week? I like it. I’m nominating the Perth Wildcats — from my home town. Looks like they will finish with the NBL minor premiership for the first time in 14 years. The glory days of the 1980s/90s are back (Ricky “Amazing” Grace, James “JC” Crawford, Trevor “TT” Torrance) — or it’s the apocalypse. Either way, gooooooooooo Wildcats.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah! What sport is that?
Leigh Josey: Basketball. It’s slightly more popular that One Day cricket. OK. Now for the next section. Underreported sport of the week. It’s the Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, and if it wasn’t for this amazing spectacle then the game of CURLING (aka, the game of the gods or lawn bowls on ice) wouldn’t get the attention it deserves. What are your thoughts on curling?
Firstdog Onthemoon: No, I refuse to talk about curling — it is stupid. I want to know what you are doing about the imminent demise of TRUGO?
Leigh Josey: Nothing at the moment, but I think I think there is a Trugo renaissance on the cards. Thanks for the chat Dog. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Bite me