In the second instalment of questions to In the Loops Malcolm Tucker, Crikey presents a series of political pickles for the famed fictional spindoctor (via Armando Iannucci and his writing team) to worm his way out of:

Crikey:  You advise the leader of a political party who has expressed a strong desire for his daughters to stay virgins until they are married, after having himself fathered a child by a friend during his teenage years. Except it turns out he didn’t. This man is offering himself as prime minister. OK, what now?

Malcolm Tucker: Listen, this is the line, OK? “Your virginity is a gift that should not be given away lightly. It is a precious and, I don’t mind saying this, almost spiritual thing.” OK? Now f-cking nail that line. Nail it like Ron Jeremy butt-surfing his way through the Australian Catholic University with a look of grim determination and a f-cking wheelie-bin full of lube.

Crikey: You advise the Victorian state government, a bunch of high school teachers and failed union hacks who somehow gained control of a multibillion dollar economy. Having spent 10 years failing to introduce a public transport electronic ticketing system, they’ve now solved the problem by buying trains that don’t work, thus reducing the demand for tickets to zero. Leave the office early, or is this a problem that needs fixing, and how?

Oh, and they named the ticketing system “mickey” (OK, myki, but you know …)

Malcolm Tucker: Right, I’m all over this like a rubber gimp suit stretched over the belly of you-know-who at the state legislature.

First things: any prick who thinks it’s hilarious to walk around singing “Oh Myki, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you financed by the proceeds of decline oh Myki!” Fire him so fast his cheap suit catches alight as he skims down the marble steps and immolates himself for the amusement of visiting school children.

Number two. The trains do work. That’s the big point you need to hit.

They’re enviro trains. “Getting to your destination” is an out-moded obsession of the 20th century. Nowadays people should be pleased to spend a quiet 40 minutes of contemplation as they consider their surroundings without all the kerfuffle and inconvenience of movement. They can get off the train refreshed and without the confusion of having changed location.

Crikey: You’ve been brought in to help the New South Wales government cling to power. The current leader is an American, and though irritating, is also ineffectual. Not all former ministers are in jail for child s-x crimes — some merely look like they should be. The former leader killed public transport and then got a job with a roads company the day after he resigned. Some dot points to go to the public with, please?

Malcolm Tucker:

1. I’ve been in New South Wales for 10 seconds and already I’m sick of your liberal f-cking media whining like Ross from Friends in The One Where Ross Whines About The Whiney Espresso Machine Being Rammed Up His -rse.

2. The gal you voted for is not ineffectual. She just has to spend every moment of every day listening to some bleeding heart hummus-muncher bleat on about this pissy “impropriety” or that so-called “crime”. Once I get the press to shut the f-ck up for two minutes, watch her go.

3. Ask yourself why the media are criticising the government. Is it to deflect from the fact they are pr-stitute-shagging drug-using failures who hate themselves because they never wrote that novel they boasted about to their first girlfriend in order to finger her? Answer : Yes.

4. I can’t comment on what’s happened in the past. I’m here to change the future. Imagine a s-xy Doc Brown whose d-ck gets hard at 88 miles an hour. And leaves behind it a trail of burning quim. That’s me.

5. That’s it. I’m away. Meep f-cking meep.

Peter Fray

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