Mary MacKillop has been granted Sainthood for performing two miracles … but what about the other miracles she is alleged to have performed?

The miracle of Kevin Rudd’s popularity. Like that lad from Nazareth, he speaks in riddles, parables and clichés, yet his words are taken as gospel. He wanders the land curing the hospital system, saving the rivers, converting the swinging voters. Is he Anglican, Catholic, Jewish; or is Kevin the new saviour and founder of his own religion? Kevinism. As with immaculate conception, believing in Kevin’s abilities requires an act of faith.

The miracle of Nicole Kidman’s Oscar. She won an Academy Award. For acting! How is that not a miracle?

The miracle of Nick Minchin’s education. He went to school. A good one too. They had globes and science labs and television sets even. Then he went to university. They had a library there. The Dewey Decimal system. Exams you had to pass. So it remains a miracle how Nick could get through all those years of education and still believe smoking is good for you, the world is getting colder and Commies live under his bed.

The miracle of Shane Warne’s hair. One minute he’s going as bald as Peter Garrett, the next it’s a bouffant of horse hair and micro fibres. Sure he claims it’s the work of Advance Hair, but others proclaim our Mary is responsible.

The miracle of Tony Abbott’s ascension. Mary’s hand is said to be all over this miracle: a baffle eared knob faced charlatan becomes leader of the Liberal Party. A miracle, or proof God has a wicked sense of humour?

The miracle of Senator Stephen Fielding’s election. They say God works in mysterious ways, and one needs no more proof than His intervention in the Victorian ALP preference deal, which saw His messenger elected to the senate with the aid of three wise men — Stephen Conroy, Alan Griffin and Tim Gartrell. More miraculous are Fielding’s views, which haven’t changed in 2000 years.

The miracle of Alan Bond’s memory. Mary again. Did she cure this colourful Perth identity of his total amnesia? Bond’s memory was completely gone. Vanished. Fizzled out. And then ‘whooska’, a quick glance at Mary’s portrait and he suddenly remembers every piece of financial acumen and share trading scheme. Amazing.

The miracle of Kate Ellis. How she became a federal minister? Must be the result of Devine intervention.

The miracle of Keith Keith Windschuttle’s research. One of the most mysterious events in modern times has been Keith’s ability to uncovered hidden meanings in the scriptures. You think your young children are “running wild” — when Keith’s reading of the Dead Sea Scrolls reveals that they’re really bonking bushmen of the Kalahari. Only Keith could decipher that God called thousands of Tasmanian Aborigines peacefully to heaven.

The miracle of Philip Ruddock’s resurrection. Jesus wasn’t the only one to come back from the dead…

Peter Fray

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