Well, blow me down with a feather if this hasn’t been a truly momentous week. For starters, this report of mine is coming to you direct from Copenhagen, France, as I work personally with the UN Prime Minister and other important world leaders to bring some sense to the global anthropomorphic climate-change debate. Secondly, this week saw the making of one of the most sensible decisions ever made by the Rudd government, and a solid validation of everything Family First stands for in the banning of the internet. But before I go any further, a little bit of background.
A few weeks ago I was awoken in the dead of the night by the ringing of my phone. After Susan showed me which way to hold it to my ear, and explained that I didn’t have to shout even though the other person was a long way away, I said hello. A deep and mysterious male voice announced that it represented a secretive American society of climate-change sceptics and asked if I wanted to go to Copenhagen, free of charge, as a guest of its organisation. The mysterious voice said that its organisation was impressed with the work I was doing to expose the climate-change sham, and that my presence in Copenhagen was vital to the cause of climate truth worldwide. The voice went on to say that it understood I was an engineer and an accountant and therefore highly qualified to critically examine the issues of climate science and emissions-trading policy. Deeply flattered to have my intellect, importance and indispensability finally recognised, I accepted the invitation without hesitation and asked the voice where Copenhagen is and why it’s got anything to do with climate change.
After Susan showed me how to hang up the phone and explained how your voice goes through the air to the other person’s phone even though you can’t see it in the air, I was so excited about going on an overseas adventure that I could barely sleep a wink for the rest of the night. I rushed into Parliament the next day so I could tell everyone about how I was going to Europe to play a key role in a really important world meeting that they weren’t invited to. I ran through the corridors with my arms outstretched and making propeller noises with my lips because I was so excited. I burst into Nick Xzennophone’s office to brag to him about my upcoming aeroplane ride and assured him that one day he might get to go on a plane too. Nick seemed really proud of me and keen to help so he wrote me out a checklist of clothes I should pack, and lucky he did because I was getting ready to take a bunch of jumpers and thermals and stuff.
A few days before departure I tried to contact the mysterious voice using the phone number that Susan retrieved from my recent calls list, but every time I called it went straight through to Nick Xzennophone’s mobile. Bizarre. I told Nick that the voices must be bumping together in the air and going to the wrong phone, and Nick told me that engineers speak a complicated technical language that he doesn’t understand.
At the airport while waiting to leave I made up some business cards using a machine in the departure terminal. On the front of the card I reproduced my brilliant “Inconvenient Fact” graph and on the back I wrote “The Hon. Senator Steve Fielding (Eng., Acc.) — Looking At All Of The Both Sides Of The Story”. The nice lady who served Milo on the plane thought the cards were excellent and I asked her to give one to the pilot.
Just before we landed I went into the little toilet to change into a Hawaiian shirt and shorts, thinking that I might just get my driver to take me straight to the beach, but after six hours in the arrival terminal looking for my name on a piece of paper I decided that the driver must’ve forgot to come and get me. I tell you, these Copenhagens are a bit uppity — I was getting some very strange looks on the bus after the driver and I spent 10 minutes tying the bottle suit to the roof racks.
So, here I am. The lone voice of reason among a sea of climate alarmism. The lone voice of science among a sea of religious fervour. I’ve been working on printing some versions of my business cards in various foreign languages, like Chinese for the benefit Ban Ki Moon and Muslim for Barack Obama.
Yesterday I was out shopping for long pants and jumpers when I received a call from Australia letting me know about Senator Conroy’s big announcement. Just try to imagine the pride I felt knowing that the ALP government saw sense and made the decision to adopt Family First policy and ban the internet!
I’ve heard of the internet, and I’ve even seen some of the stuff that’s on it. I once walked into Barnaby Joyce’s office and saw a few pictures of people completely naked on his computer screen. As Barnaby said at the time, he knows I don’t have the stomach to do the research on this important issue so he’s doing it on everyone’s behalf. A fine man.
While one important battle against pornography, violence and Godlessness has been won with the internet ban, the war still wages on. I’ve spoken to my office and instructed them to draft legislation banning those other tools of evil: paper, pens, paint, cameras, books and magazines. I shall introduce it to Parliament next year.
It’s tiring work here in Copenhagen, but extremely important. There’s still lots to do but part of me can’t wait to go home. Unsure of my departure date and time, I earlier today checked my plane ticket and noticed that the payment receipt was issued in the name of someone called “Nick Xenophon. Bizarre.
Until next time.