Two weeks into the Tiger Woods scandal and anguished friends of the sports superstar are all saying one thing – we didn’t see this coming.

“I’ve known this driven, fantastically ambitious man all my life”, says Brian Simpson, an old family friend, “and nothing in his relentless lifelong drive to be not only the best but the best ever, gave any indication that he would want to fuck a lot of tall, blond women. I’m still reeling in shock.”

Says fellow golfer Jake Treloar:

“Tiger…I knew the guy from way back. Right from the start he wanted everything, everything on the planet, from sports superstardom to fantastic wealth to iconic status. His adrenalin roared like a thousand jumbos on the runway.

“He was unstoppable. But once he got it….I thought he’d stop. You know just live in the suburbs and sleep with one woman until he got so sick of seeing her naked he may as well be watching a Madonna video. I’m really surprised by this.”

Meanwhile, experts around the world are scratching their heads and asking one question — how does he do it? What is it about the tall, handsome, panther limbed champion billionaire that women find so attractive?

“To be frank I’m flummoxed”, says Professor Bevis Eastlake of Wisconsin University’s Social Psychology Department, who has conducted thirty years of research into the mysterious science of attraction.

“Male attraction is a mysterious thing, and it’s impossible to know from the outside why tall gorgeous women would fall like ninepins for an international jet-owning superstar with the feline grace of a Thai parent, and the glowing, forceful allure of his black heritage. Maybe he’s a good listener.”

Dr Grigor Ampersand of the Blattburg Institute disagrees:

“Bevis should get out of his goddam basement and take a look at the real world. It’s obvious what draws a woman to a man whose mastery of his sport combines the erotic force of pure masculine power, with a near-angelic poise and delicacy that promises a once-in-a-lifetime erotic adventure on an island he probably owns, and that’s humour. The guy’s obviously good with the gags. Humour always gets the gals, although you need a roofie to get them relaxed enough to laugh”.

Whatever their disagreements, this and other experts agree on an explanation for the parade of tall, long-limbed, high-cheeked long-haired blondes that have been Tiger’s paramours of choice: “It’s an incredible coincidence”, says Ampersand.

Eastlake agrees:

“Look, this guy can clearly have any woman he wants, so why would he stick obsessively with Amazonian ice-maidens who look exactly like his wife but with a series of subtle variations? Nahhh non-scientists often mistake coincidence for patterns. There may be more mistresses. The next one might look like Barbara Bush or Golda Meir after an acne outbreak. That’s why the public loves this story. It was just so unexpected, nothing in it can be explained, and no-one has the faintest clue what’s going to happen next”.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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