This Tiger Woods story just becomes more and more sordid. I think we’ll all remember where we were when we first heard those chilling words: “Hey, it’s Tiger.”

Sickened, yet unable to turn away, we found ourselves enthralled by the shabby, depraved reality of a famous sportsperson’s personal phone messages. And as the news media mourns the falling of an idol, laments the moral collapse of a hero, and weeps over the tragic necessity of poring over every detail of it, recordings of Tiger’s other phone messages have come to light, each one more shocking and lascivious than the last.

Taken together they tell a riveting and cautionary tale, a fascinating insight into the gradual and inevitable downfall of a complex and devious man of insatiable appetites.

For example, on October 12th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. I really need you right now. I’ve forgotten where I left my good slacks. I checked the closet. Are they in the closet?”

October 15th: “Hey, it’s Tiger, this is kind of an emergency, I have a big problem. What’s the name of the guy who played Sonny in Grease? Call me back ASAP.”

October 23rd: “Hey, it’s Tiger. I had a great time last night. Let’s do it again some time. But next time I’ll be the Dungeon Master.”

October 29th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. I have to ask you to do something for me. Uh … can you pick me up? I’ve finished at Kmart. I tried to take the bus but it smelled like pee. Thanks.”

October 31st: “Hey, it’s Tiger. I’m on the course, and I’ve gone completely blank. Is the putter the one for big hits, or little hits? Can you call me back quickly? Everyone’s looking at me.”

November 1st: “Hey, it’s Tiger. Need you bad, babe. I’m in the supermarket and I can’t find the oregano. Is it with the spices, or what? I checked all up and down the Mexican aisle, but I don’t think that’s right. Maybe it’s a fruit? Call me.”

November 3rd: “Hey, it’s Tiger. Just wondered if you’re interested in savings on wireless broadband.”

November 8th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favour. Do you know anything about cake-decorating? I’m making this cake for my kids’ pre-school and it’s just a mess. The book says I need something called a piping bag? What the hell is that?”

November 9th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. Can you do something for me? My wife went through my phone, and uh … she changed my wallpaper. She took off my Millennium Falcon picture. I don’t know how to change it back. Is it in funbox? Call me.”

November 10th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. My wife went through my phone again … she found those texts I sent you. The ones about how much I loved New Moon. It’s really embarrassing, she’s been teasing me all day.”

November 11th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. I’m here in Australia, and I’m alone in my hotel room, and I just wondered … who is this ‘Kochie’ guy? Is he like a giant muppet or something?”

November 15th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. Won another tournament. Wish they’d stop giving me jackets. So anyway, I called ‘cos I wanted to ask … do you have any spare wardrobe space?”

November 15th: “Hey, Tiger again. That wardrobe thing reminded me: did you ever find my good slacks?”

November 18th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. I need to ask you another huge favour. Can I borrow your Glee soundtrack? I’m having a party tonight and I really want to raise the roof.”

November 24th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. I think my wife suspects something. Make sure you hide all the receipts, and don’t shout ‘Surprise!’ until she’s fully through the door.”

November 26th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. Can you come over? I really, really need you right now. If you can’t come over, maybe we can do this over the phone. So call me back if you know ‘Inventor of dynamite’, six letters and then five letters … actually you better come over, I got a lot more of these.”

November 27th: “Hey, it’s Tiger. You should come over right away. We’ve been having such fun, I’ve been teaching Elin to putt in the hallway with a coffee mug. Anyway, call me back if you’re awake, I’m just heading out to grab some burgers. See you soon.”

So there you go. Celebrities behaving badly: it may shock us to the bone, but how can we help but keep watching?

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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