Some people in this world do evil and terrible things. Some people in this world organise themselves into groups and give themselves respectable-sounding names to do those evil and terrible things. Some people in this world have used the cover of semi-legitimacy and government tax breaks afforded these groups with respectable-sounding names to pull the wool over our eyes and do their evil and terrible things. Luckily for Australia, though, some of us in politics are doing our best to protect ordinary citizens from the pernicious threat posed by these groups of people, and so it was the other day when Nick Xzennophone rose to his feet in the Parliament, after previously rising to his feet on the news program Today Tonight , and declared war on science.

I got on the blower immediately and asked Nick if I could be in his war, too. I pointed out that I myself was an engineer so I was an “insider”, if you will, to the world of science, and I pointed out that I had been waging war on science myself for quite some time so it was only sensible that we join forces and mutually strengthen our blows. Nick started to respond to my offer in a raised and excited tone of voice but just at that moment Susan walked in the room and I had to hang up because I’ve been grounded from the phone for a week after I accidentally called Kenya for an hour to claim a prize that was emailed to me.

How relieved I was that somebody else saw the need to blow open this secretive organisation and expose its dodgy data once and for all! Nick Xzennophone may come across as a bit of a mug, and he may not be the most democratically elected guy in the world, but at least he’s switched on enough to see a conspiracy when he sees one.

It was once said that there are lies, dam lies, and statistics, and never a truer word has been spoken; don’t even get me started on the lies that governments around Australia have told to prevent the construction of new dams, despite the fact that people need to drink water. Did you know that humans are 8% water?

But back to the biggest scientific conspiracy going around: climate change. It’s become dangerous for anybody who may not think that the “science” around climate change is settled to speak their mind, despite the fact that even a cursory glance at the scientists’ own statistics tell a very different story to that being told. Did you know that since 2001 the trend line has been going down? That means that global temperatures are lower now than they were in 2001. Or they might be higher right now, but they’ve mostly gone down over time. I think. What I do know for sure is that graphs are much easier to read if you move on from the distant past and look to the future. It’s safe to say that the 20th century is over and it’s time that our climate data reflected this simple fact.

Anyway, to try and impress Xzennophone I created a new graph, all by myself, that shows not only a downward trend in global temperature in the 21st century, but also a period of intense cooling around 1985 — right smack in the middle of the period in which climate change advocates claim global warming has occurred.

So I’ve been running around the House for the past few days trying to catch up with Nick to give him my graph (no easy task in a bottle suit, by the way) but I’ve had no luck at all in finding him.

Yesterday I saw him in the Senate chamber deep in conversation with that weird guy from the Northern Territory, Nigel Scullion, on the cross-benches and guessed that it may be a meeting of the war cabinet. How exciting! I started shuffling my way over to join in, making sure I gave the secret signals of repeatedly winking and crossing my middle and ring fingers, but as I approached the meeting it suddenly broke up and both Xzennophone and Scullion swore under their breaths. I looked around to see who had busted us but the only eyes I could see pointed in our direction were those of one of the Greens — I always forget their names — but she was probably stoned so I think our war is safe.

Until next time.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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