Lowbottom High
Lowbottom Road

Dear Minister,

While we are truly gratified that the government has seen its way clear to providing the school with a new library, the fact of the matter is we already have one. It might not rival the library of Alexandria (ha ha) but it is adequate for our purposes. And as the present library would require to be demolished to build a new library, we are left to wonder whether this is not an exercise in futility.

Neither are we in need of a new multi-strand educational model module. We were fortunate enough to receive funding for what was then known as a cross-curricular resource centre the last time the government made education its Number One Priority. Admittedly this was a very long time ago but the cross-curricular resource centre (not so very different from a multi-strand educational model module, if the truth be known) still serves a purpose. Indeed, the plaque commemorating the opening of the original centre by your predecessor is also extant although regrettably it has suffered vandalism over the years. (What is it about a penis that so mesmerises the delinquent young?)

Our problem, too, is that the local builder who tendered for the contract for the proposed new library is so occupied with constructing other libraries and modules in the region that his estimates have skyrocketed. Funding that might have been sufficient in lean times would not build a backyard dunny these days, to be frank. Speaking of toilet facilities, is it at all possible that we could trade your library for new amenities for the staff? The cynical, I am reliably informed, refer to the facilities as Downtown Calcutta.

Anyway, Minister, we — that is, the school council and I — find ourselves in the unique position of having no choice but to refuse the department’s offer of funding in the present instance. Probably such a gesture itself warrants a plaque. This Empty Spot Marks The Place Where A Government Funded Project Was Not Built. On this day, the sod turned.

Yours faithfully
Imre Kevorkian