Karl Bitter
ALP National Secretary
PO Box 6222
Kingston ACT

Re: Position Vacant: ACT Party Secretary

Dear Mr Bitter,

I write to apply for the position of ACT ALP Secretary, as advertised within ACT ALP branches.

Attached you will find my stellar CV, replete with achievements, commendations, awards, honours and little athletics ribbons.

Also attached are character references from senior Labor luminaries, including Julia Irwin MP, James Bidgood MP and Anthony Albanese’s elocution teacher.

In short, let me regale you with a small litany of my abilities, attributes and medical clearances.

I have been a member of the ACT Labor Party for over 23 years. I was formally Assistant Retuning Officer at the Swinger Hill sub-branch, a position I held with distinction until the infamous branch stacking allegations of 1997. Obviously, and with the benefit of hindsight, I now acknowledge that dead people do not vote in the ACT, only in NSW.

I have an intimate knowledge of ACT politics and have been involved in many local campaigns. I was instrumental in helping Andrew Barr develop his smug arrogance; I advised Katy Gallagher of how to be arrogantly dismissive of advise and advisers and I assisted Simon Corbell in his efforts to remove charisma from the ACT Legislative Assembly. I was a consultant on an initiative to assist John Hargreaves reach more sober decisions (“Fair Shake of the Sauce Bottle”) and have been a contributor to some of Chief Minister Jon Stanhope’s most memorable rants and raves.

My contacts and knowledge of local issues will, I am sure you agree, be invaluable as the proposed sale of the Labor Clubs ends up before the Federal Court. As Secretary, my distaste for the National Union of Workers will not prejudice my decision making process. Only brown paper bags filled with money can do that.

The issue of selling the Labor Clubs is contentious. On the one hand the Labor Party needs to live off the profits of gambling if Mr Rudd and the local ALP are to have a war chest for future elections; on the other hand it is vexatious whether the party of working people should live off profits gleamed from vice and addiction. I therefore propose we legalise heroin as an alternative tax-revenue stream.

I have spent many a wage cheque on the pokies and feel comfortable in the knowledge that pouring my hard earned income into chronic gambling will be of benefit to community sport. My malnourished children so enjoy the snags they get at little athletics.

I believe that Mr Rudd and the National Executive are copasetic with the continued funding from poker machines. This is, after all, part of the social inclusion agenda.

Another matter the Secretary will confront is the forthcoming coup to usurp ACT Chief Minister Jon Stanhope and replace him with someone of lesser ability. This process will require delicate negotiations and political acumen; do we install Mr Barr, a pompous twat who has never actually held a real job in his life, or Ms Gallagher, whose ego is rivalled only by the great one, Kevin Rudd, PM?

These are tough decisions and ones I will not walk away from. Run, yes; but certainly there won’t be much walking. The electors of the ACT want the best possible leadership for the Territory. I believe that we can deliver this within the next millennia.

For too long the people of Canberra have been mocked by interstaters who view the national capital as a self-deluded cacoon of party hacks, uninspiring public servants and union rabblerousers ambitious for a federal or local seat. I know Bob McMullan finds these accusations distasteful. True, but nevertheless distasteful.

The ALP needs new blood, new ideas, new people. If the ACT Labor Party is to continue in minority government and keep up their excellent record of having the Greens lead the way, then a new Secretary with new initiatives is essential.

Karl, disregard other applications from supplicants, bottom washers and failed staffers. Surely you don’t want to see key positions filled by ‘mates’ and insiders? Surely you’re not looking for a lackey, a toad worshipper or puppet to do the bidding of the National Executive?

I look forward to taking up this position immediately.

Walter Slurry.