From: Rudd, Kevin (PMO)
To: Gillard, Julia (DPO)
I’m worried that I have been receiving too much media coverage of late. It seems that the Labor Government is all about me — a worrying trend that I’m certain is not in the ALP’s best interests. I don’t feel comfortable when the media film me at Church each Sunday, when they follow me onto the set of Rove, when they relate my every Twitter and blog — such coverage makes me look vainglorious, a shallow narcissist and someone more interested in manipulating the press for their own egotistic satisfaction.
In future, I urge you to take a more active role with the media. I am more content to be a backroom leader, shy and reticent with the press and always putting the interests of the Labor movement first.
From: Anthony Albanese, MP
To: ———–, Department of Infrastructure
Subject: Infrastructure funding
Dear Assistant Secretary
I have become aware that some (if not all) of the regional infrastructure monies allocated as part of the Rudd Government’s stimulus package is being targeted specifically at marginal seats. As you are all aware, I am furiously opposed to any form of pork barrelling, regional rorts or the appropriation of Government funds for base party political purposes.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am scrupulously honest when it comes to handing out largess to Labor seats held by small margins. I simply will not tolerate the erection of signs outside myriad unbuilt projects championing the Rudd Government (and, by inference, myself) as doing something simply for the public good.
Please ensure all funding is applied equally and that Liberal and national held seats are treated with honesty and integrity.
From: Kate Ellis, Minister for Sport
To: Seth Blatter, President of FIFA
Subject: World Cup Bid
Dear Mr Bladder
It was totally cool to hang out with you and that old Jewish bloke who owns Australia. Kevin says that what Frank wants, Frank gets — and my advisers tell me Frank wants us to host the World Cup for Football in 2018.
One thing I’m not real clear about — is this Aussie Rules, Rugby League, Rugby Union, Gridiron or soccer we’re bidding for? I always get my balls mixed up. Whatever, I’m fully sick about hosting this event. Can you just remind me how many billions we need upfront as a deposit?
Love your work
From: Jenny Macklin
To: Mike Zizzler, Head of NT Intervention Taskforce
Subject: Aboriginal housing
I presume you’ve seen the papers saying that we haven’t built a single house for a desperate Aboriginal family in 20 months? How the press gallery find out about this stuff is beyond me.
We need something built NOW Mike, not in ten years time. Surely you know how to use a hammer and nails? At the very least, can’t you rig up a few tents and run some extension cords about so it looks like ‘progress’? How difficult can it be to jimmy up some piping to make it look like running water? And while you’re at it, remember to leave a few p*rno mags and a six-pack about so the media can see the type of dysfunction we’re dealing with.
I need the facade in place as soon as is possible.
Off to the hairdressers, talk soon,
To: Wilson Tuckey
From: Dr Jeremy Slurry MD
You must remember to take your medication every day.
Dr J. Slurry