Peter “ing out” Costello used his farewell to parliament to quote noted philosopher Woody Allen on the subject of immortality. Here’s the (slightly redacted) transcript:

On indulgence, Mr Speaker, may I say I did not think I would ever see the day where both sides of this parliament would say nice things about me! It is just possible that both sides of the dispatch box are happy with the announcement that I have made.

Woody Allen was once asked what he hoped to hear people say at his funeral, and he said, ‘As I’m lying there at my funeral I would hope to hear somebody say, “Look, he’s still moving!”‘ It is a very nice thing to come here, not being quite departed, and hear the kind of speeches one usually only hears as eulogies. In fact, I might come back tomorrow for a little more, I am enjoying it so much!

But would Costello’s departure have sounded better with other quotes from the Manhattan magus?

On indulgence, Mr Speaker, may I say I did not think I would ever see the day where both sides of this parliament would say nice things about me! It is just possible that both sides of the dispatch box are happy with the announcement that I have made.

Woody Allen once said that sex was like death, except after death you don’t feel nauseous. Well, I’m dead now, and it makes me sick so Woody didn’t really nail that one. In fact, I might come back tomorrow for a little more, I am enjoying it so much!

Or,

On indulgence, Mr Speaker, may I say I did not think I would ever see the day where both sides of this parliament would say nice things about me! It is just possible that both sides of the dispatch box are happy with the announcement that I have made.

Woody Allen once said that if God had asked him for advice he would have said don’t place the reproductive organs near the excretory ones, it’ll only cause problems. Well I fucked it up, and now I’m in the shit so Woody didn’t nail that one. In fact, I might come back tomorrow for a little more, I am enjoying it so much!

Or even,

On indulgence, Mr Speaker, may I say I did not think I would ever see the day where both sides of this parliament would say nice things about me! It is just possible that both sides of the dispatch box are happy with the announcement that I have made.

Woody Allen once said that he didn’t want to achieve immortality through his work, he wanted to achieve immortality by not dying! Well ha ha I won’t achieve immortality through being Treasurer, and I’m going to die. But zero out of two ain’t bad. In fact, I might come back tomorrow for a little more, I am enjoying it so much!

On indulgence indeed.

Peter Fray

72 hours only. 50% off a year of Crikey and The Atlantic.

Our two-for-one offer with The Atlantic was so popular we decided to bring it back.

But only for 72 hours.

Use the promo code ATLANTIC2020 and you’ll get 50% off a year of Crikey (usually $199) and a year of digital access to The Atlantic (usually $70). That’s BOTH for just $129.

Hurry. Ends midnight this Thursday.

Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey

Claim Now