From: walterslurry
To: [email protected];
Subject: Senior Adviser position
Date: Sat, 13 Jun 2009 00:35:15 +0000

My Dear Ms Gillard,

Look no further woman, your prayers have been answered. I am here to respond to your clarion call for a Senior Adviser. Throw away those other (embellished and deceitful) CVs and applications — your tender eyes need stray no further than this winning application.

Before you gaze impressively at my stunning résumé, let me bedazzle you with a small smorgasbord of my achievements, qualifications, honours, awards, swimming medallions and letters from admiring female cohorts.

You say this position requires a “highly motivated person” — rest assured, no one is more motivated than me. Once those Red Bulls kick in for breakfast, my momentum is unstoppable. You won’t find me lolling around reading the Financial Review in my new office, no sir-ee. I’ll be by your side 24/7: never pausing, never eating, never sleeping, never thinking.

This position also necessitates “several years experience in public policy”. Immodestly, I was conceived with several years experience, Madame Deputy PM. Policy is my middle name. No really, it is. And since the day I was left at the orphanage, I have been policy driven. Indeed, I rose to the vaulted level of APS 3 in the Tasmanian public service, with the senior position of “Sanitary and Waste Management Control Officer” (Temp) as just one of my many acclaims.

“Knowledge of economics and labour market policy issues would be an advantage”, your criteria dictates. Too right it would, and let me assuage any questions here over my knowledge. I know the labour market from years of first hand experience — before I was pensioned off I had many years actually “in” the labour market, or Paddington Market as was the case. Hosting a street stall provided all the experience and knowledge one needs to advise the Deputy leader of this nation. And I still have some candles and incense left over should the office require a more meditative aura.

You request “strong analytical, communication and relationship skills”. Taking these in order: I am very strong and work out at the gym on a daily basis. I can lift, thrust, parry and snatch and grab with anyone in the 65kg division. There will be no allusions to me “not carrying my weight” once I have my ministerial blue pass encoded and my office refurbished.

In regard to analytical skills, I will forward to you the past 14 years of cryptic crossword puzzles I have attempted, for your records. Obviously, not all the answers are technically correct, however the analytical dexterity with which I attacked the Across section is testament to the breadth of intellectual vigour I will bring to your office.

Finally, with respect to “relationship skills” let me be frank and fearless here and point out that Mrs Wilma Slurry (my wife of many years) certainly has never had cause to question my abilities in this department; and my skills and technique were widely praised by the lady-folk in the many towns, borstals and juvenile centres where I grew up or was placed. I take the term “social inclusion” most literally, as I’m sure the young ladies in your media unit will learn to appreciate.

Although the salary seems a tad trifling for someone of my acumen and wisdom, I am willing to “slum it” as I believe Ms Gillard would benefit tremendously from my analytical and insightful world view, my superior understanding of “markets”, my love of the anagram and my manly good looks and beef cake physique. It would be discriminatory to overlook me for this position simply because I am “eye candy”.

I look forward to commencing in your office at your earliest convenience.

Regards,

Walter Policy Slurry
45 McKidney Place
Watson ACT 2600