Lesbian Vampire killersRed lightIt should be noted that in Lesbian Vampire Killers director Phil Claydon delivers on a basic level: there are lesbians in it, and these lesbians are also vampires, and these lesbian vampires also happen to kill people.

With that essential criteria crossed off everything else appears to have been deemed irrelevant, from the two irritable 20-something goof-off leads (James Corden and Mathew Horne) who steer what little there is of story to the lacklustre special effects and action scenes that seem dispirited by the whole process, as if nobody could be bothered putting in any effort for an end result predicted to be ghastly from the get-go, in which case it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The story, if you must know, concerns said goof-offs who embark on a cheap weekend away and hit jackpot – stumbling upon a van full of sexy party-going women – only to have their dream evening unceremoniously soiled by the titular (ho ho) characters who swoop in like cinematic vultures circling dead acting careers.

Directors of low grade, critically-whaaa? fare driven to make movies for genre dunderheads with their hands obligingly cupped can easily underestimate their target audiences: yes, the demographic may want lesbians, vampires and killers in single busty bod, or perhaps a group of them licking, chewing, snarling and drooling over each other, but they also want entertainment and therein lies the tricky part. If concepts like story, plot, action and pace are out of the question, how about endless smatterings of special effects, visual inventions, gross-outs and nudity? Why not? Would anybody who forks out a ticket to Lesbian Vampire Killers complain the movie was too trashy, too low-brow?

Schlock directors like Ed Wood and Roger Corman built a reputation on infusing stale and vapid storylines with enough brainless fun to satisfy the sods who took their promise of low-grade nonsense seriously, and, even if they regularly failed to get the balance right, you could sense the energy was there albeit misplaced. The temptation after watching a movie like Lesbian Vampire Killers, which is slow, sluggish and lacklustre even for the most wobbly minded of wastoids is to ‘think gawd, it aint that hard.’ This message is for you, Phil Claydon: if you don’t have the budget to stuff a movie full of expensive hokum, there are ways to achieve memorable obscenity on a skinflint budget. For example: pay some calendar models to take their clothes off, smear them with fake blood and goo and baked beans, replace their nipples with novelty cocktail umbrellas, get ‘em to speak in pig latin, turn the camera upside down, add strobe lights and Kanji subtitles and voilà – you got yourself a water cooler horror flick, right there.

Any movie with a title like Lesbian Vampire Killers shouldn’t be attempted in half measures. The only irredeemable flaws are vices like ‘boring’ and ‘dull.’ This movie is both.

Lesbian Vampire Killers’ Australian theatrical release date May 21, 2009