No Win Productions proudly present:

Taking Mineral Mountain by Strategy (A Beijing Opera in 8 Acts)

Music & Lyrics by News Ltd
Additional dialogue by Malcolm Turnbull

Scene One:

There is much rejoicing in Communist Kingdom of Teeming Billions at news that secret agent Rud-ling has wormed his way into leadership of Southmost Mineral Mountain Land. Plan for secret conquest set in motion. Chorus sings theme tune — “Ha-ha, he-he, plot-plot-plot”.

Scene Two:

Evil head of Toiling Masses Party, Rud-ling, shows his anti-global warming hat to trusty minion Fit-ze and instructs him to infiltrate Southmost Mineral Mountain Land defense force. They sing duet: “SAS pay will be our chance”.

Scene Three:

Cunning femme fatale Lotus Liu advises Fit-ze to disguise himself. Says PLA uniform is dead giveaway. Sings aria: “You can stay at my place, my place, my place”.

Scene Four:

Fit-ze flies to Communist Kingdom of Teeming Billions, returns home in new suit. Sings aria: “Now I master of disguise, really trick those defence guys”.

Scene Five:

Aided by Lotus Liu, Fit-ze cancells Super Seasprite contract, imposes human-wave no-plane procurement plan on Southmost Mineral Mountain Land airforce. Chorus makes swooping motions and sings “They stuff up, we step in. Ha-ha, he-he, plot-plot-plot”.

Scene Six:

Valiant officials of Mineral Mountain secret security organs covertly inspect Fit-ze’s underpants, realise his true identity. Fit-ze gets big fright, jumps out of own skin. Valiant secret policemen sing: “You think you smart, you foreign pawn. Do not come the uncooked prawn”.

Scene Seven:

Rud-Ling (still wearing anti-global warming hat) interrupts himself while haranging foreign dignitaries to reign blows upon Fit-ze for failing to satisfactorily fulfill his secret mission. Chorus performs Dance of Bemused Incredulity.

Scene Eight:

Unmasked by patriotic News Ltd journalists, Fit-ze attempts to bluster his way out of crisis. Fit-ze and pressmen sing (recitative):

Pressmen: Gotcha, gotcha, chinky stooge.
Fitz: I surrender, pull my finger.

Curtain falls, stops halfway down, rises, falls again. Enter dog riding unicycle.

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Peter Fray
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