No Win Productions proudly present:
Taking Mineral Mountain by Strategy (A Beijing Opera in 8 Acts)
Music & Lyrics by News Ltd
Additional dialogue by Malcolm Turnbull
There is much rejoicing in Communist Kingdom of Teeming Billions at news that secret agent Rud-ling has wormed his way into leadership of Southmost Mineral Mountain Land. Plan for secret conquest set in motion. Chorus sings theme tune — “Ha-ha, he-he, plot-plot-plot”.
Evil head of Toiling Masses Party, Rud-ling, shows his anti-global warming hat to trusty minion Fit-ze and instructs him to infiltrate Southmost Mineral Mountain Land defense force. They sing duet: “SAS pay will be our chance”.
Cunning femme fatale Lotus Liu advises Fit-ze to disguise himself. Says PLA uniform is dead giveaway. Sings aria: “You can stay at my place, my place, my place”.
Fit-ze flies to Communist Kingdom of Teeming Billions, returns home in new suit. Sings aria: “Now I master of disguise, really trick those defence guys”.
Aided by Lotus Liu, Fit-ze cancells Super Seasprite contract, imposes human-wave no-plane procurement plan on Southmost Mineral Mountain Land airforce. Chorus makes swooping motions and sings “They stuff up, we step in. Ha-ha, he-he, plot-plot-plot”.
Valiant officials of Mineral Mountain secret security organs covertly inspect Fit-ze’s underpants, realise his true identity. Fit-ze gets big fright, jumps out of own skin. Valiant secret policemen sing: “You think you smart, you foreign pawn. Do not come the uncooked prawn”.
Rud-Ling (still wearing anti-global warming hat) interrupts himself while haranging foreign dignitaries to reign blows upon Fit-ze for failing to satisfactorily fulfill his secret mission. Chorus performs Dance of Bemused Incredulity.
Unmasked by patriotic News Ltd journalists, Fit-ze attempts to bluster his way out of crisis. Fit-ze and pressmen sing (recitative):
Pressmen: Gotcha, gotcha, chinky stooge.
Fitz: I surrender, pull my finger.
Curtain falls, stops halfway down, rises, falls again. Enter dog riding unicycle.