For the benefit of Crikey’s readers, Walter Slurry has created the first ever “do-it-yourself” column suitable for the opinion pages of The Daily Telegraph, the Herald Sun, The Australian and a range of other subscription publications. Just start by picking your author and go from there. So many potential combinations, so much wasted newsprint. Hours of fun for the whole family:

Instant think piece by:

Janet Albrechtsen
Piers Akerman
Andrew Bolt
Steve Price
Miranda Divine

Modern Australia is in trouble. This country’s future is being undermined by:

Gay judges and the intellectual left
The Aboriginal Industry
Rudd’s socialist agenda
Latté drinking do-gooders
Prams, sharks and naughty videos

These people, urged on by Rudd’s chattering classes and anti-neo-conservative pap, are responsible for:

Every bushfire, house fire and BBQ since 1788
Claims that genocide wasn’t good for our Indigenous friends
The hoax of global warming
Mark Latham
Taking guns from loving peaceful Australians

Readers of my column will know that for many years I have been campaigning for:

A statue in honour of Anita Bryant
An end to all Aboriginal welfare … then an end to all Aboriginals
Free parkas, ugh boots and overcoats for when it gets really cold
Pauline Hanson
Whatever daddy says

These ignorant, self interest left wing people have an agenda that is threatening our survival in these tough economic times because they:

Want an independent judiciary and fair IR laws
Believe the fantasies of nig-nogs and fuzzy wuzzies
Don’t understand the world is getting colder … much colder
Think getting pissed on our beaches is un-Australian
Love Muslims

As a weekly columnist, I am able to write with such authority about these issues principally because I know more than anyone else about:

Everything
How Blacks lie to get compensation
The science of global warming (I mean cooling…)
Terrorist Muslim towel-heads
Life outside my leafy secluded mansion

And the reason I am in a position to make such dogmatic and rigid opinions is because I have:

A cocaine habit
A journalism degree
Dirt on Rupert Murdoch
A fantastic team of lawyers
A daddy who got me my job

However, my dire warnings about the terrible fate that will befall this country under Rudd’s extreme government are supported by:

Bill Heffernan
The Ku Klux Clan
Andrew Bolt
A taxi driver I once met
Daddy

Australia is no longer the open, caring compassionate and economic paradise it was under the brilliant and insightful leadership of John Howard and Peter Costello. What we desperately need in Australia is:

No more poofter judges
No more Abos and their fairytales
Chemical castration
To find out who’s hiding Mark Latham’s buck’s night video
The slaughter of all sharks and whales

I am not concerned by the many accusations, law suits, threats or personalised waste mater sent to me by Greenies, latté drinkers and the chronically unemployed, but what really upsets me is:

Judicial independence
The abolition of slavery
Muslims on our beaches
Whatever daddy says

People often ask me why I don’t stand for federal parliament, given that I am so forthright in my views and know so much about so many issues. I would stand if:

An MPs salary was increased at least 10 fold
There were no dark skinned people in the electorate
Peter Costello fondled my testicles
I could just make everything up as I go along
Daddy told me what to do

Peter Fray

72 hours only. 50% off a year of Crikey and The Atlantic.

Our two-for-one offer with The Atlantic was so popular we decided to bring it back.

But only for 72 hours.

Use the promo code ATLANTIC2020 and you’ll get 50% off a year of Crikey (usually $199) and a year of digital access to The Atlantic (usually $70). That’s BOTH for just $129.

Hurry. Ends midnight this Thursday.

Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey

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