I’d like to address the concerns of Australians who feel that the Labor Government’s Internet protection initiative addresses purely theoretical threats.

There are those, who walk our streets today, and loiter around fish markets, that are obsessed with the unnatural desire to participate in the forceful and dangerous coupling of unwilling humans with hideous, ocean-dwelling cephalopods.

I’m not talking about the depiction of college-aged girls who, after a grueling training session on the volleyball court, find themselves glancing — a little too long — at each others glistening, sweat-covered bodies in the changing rooms. A gentle kiss. A subtly probing touch…

No, I’m talking about thrashing, slime-covered tentacles that attack their victims by forcing unholy, pulsating appendages into any orifice they can pry open.

Tentacle-R-pe was isolated to Japan until Tim Berners-Lee and his allies unleashed the interweb upon us; opening a portal between the tiny Pacific nation and the rest of the world. During the Howard Years, the Internet took root and spread throughout Australia, allowing these er-tic horrors to insinuate themselves into every workplace, home, library, and school.

Unlike the Howard Government, Labor has vowed to protect every orifice on every citizen.

Thought-crime prevention and unsanctioned fetish enforcement are just two elements of the Labor Government’s multi-faceted Internet protection initiative. Cybercrime is high on the agenda as well. Just two years ago, Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty, predicted that the formation of criminal syndicates made up of cloned, part-human/part-robot cyborgs, were the single greatest threat to Australia in the near future. The second greatest threat after murderous kill-bots? Internet crime.

It sounds crazy; the stuff of comic books. But in 2007, Australians were duped out of almost a billion dollars by Internet scammers. Most of those funds were routed straight into the hands of rogue scientists researching — you guessed it — robotic humanoid cyborgs.

The threats that face our nation are very real, and very creepy.

Those who oppose our filtering initiative are, for the most part, good men and adolescent boys. They are not unpatriotic, and they are certainly not traitors. Satire and dissent are a healthy part of any democracy, and I salute them for having the strength to stand up for what they believe in.

That said, ongoing research at the Department of Science indicates a high prevalence of child molesters within the ranks of these cyber-dissidents.

Lots of love,

Fake Stephen Conroy

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Peter Fray

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