Imminent Threat Message in relation to the Victorian Fires. The following are serious risks. They haven’t happened yet. This is just an alert at this stage.

The Logies are toying with the idea of a minute’s silence and are looking for a sponsor.

Paul Kelly is working on a new single, about the first time he saw you, from a tram on his way home from the G, through smoke, against a burning orange moon in Carlisle Street.

The Age is applying for a Primary Industry grant in the category “Medium to Large Scale Milking Operation”.

Andrew Bolt is working out how the fires argue against global warming, Galileo, fiscal policy and natural selection.

Keith Windschuttle is publishing an article documenting the first fires started by the Aborigines.

Brendan Sokaluk’s barrister is applying to have his arson trial held on the planet Jupiter.

MUP are set to announce the release of Steve Vizard’s Putting Out Spot-fires Using Lawyers.

Malcolm Turnbull has found Victoria on a map and is keen to visit when time permits.

Baz Luhrmann is working on a new project in which Rhett Butler and Katie Hepburn fight to build containment lines around his fee.

Alan Jones will shortly announce a simple plan to pump water from the floods on to the fires. This will put them out. Water has traditionally had this effect on fires. It’s not rocket science.

Dicko is doing a lengthy interview in which he admits that exactly the same thing happened to him. He got through it and can help others.

Gerry Harvey will announce the closure of some more branches “as a mark of respect”.

On Friday morning Derryn Hinch will name the Governor General.

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey