– Barack Obama wins the Iowa caucus, the most exciting score by a black man in the MidWest since the Drifters were snowbound at the Des Moines nurses’ teaching hospital in 1959.
– Mike Huckabee wins the Republican contest vote there after a strong mail-in vote from the Taliban.
– After Edmund Hillary’s death New Zealand authorities are criticised for their insensitive “because he’s not there anymore” communique to the late mountaineer’s family.
– Finding Heath Ledger uncosnscious after a likely overdose, his housekeeper calls Mary-Kate Olsen who knows a thing or two about throwing up.
– Prime Minister Kevin Rudd apologies on behalf of the nation to the Aboriginal people for the ‘stolen generations’ policy, the announcement superseding the Howard government’s official position of “whoops”.
– Fidel Castro resigns, his brother Raul, second-in-command for a half century, immediately takes power, save for a fortnight when Peter Costello is allowed to be President of Cuba, out of pity.
– Palestinians stream across the opened border into Egypt in order to obtain food, medicine, clothes and other terrorist paraphernalia.
– Tornadoes cut through a series of towns and trailer parks in mid-west America, destroying more than 400 homes, causing almost $18.59 damage.
– Following the assassination of its most charismatic presidential candidate, Pakistan announces that it is officially all out of Bhuttos.
– A supernova halfway across the universe becomes the most violent collapse of a star in the history of the cosmos since the career of Minnie Driver.
– Four hundred square kilometres of the Antarctic Wilkins Shelf detach, prompting the Centre for Independent Studies to send out a press release announcing the end of shortages in the party ice industry.
– Gary Gygax, inventor of Dungeons and Dragons , runs out of hit points.
– Jules Dassin, French-US film director, and blacklistee, dies. No joke here, sorry, you should just see everything he made.
– Hillary Clinton, running badly behind in the US primaries, campaigning in the South, attacks Barack Obama for his “elitist” attacks on what he calls their ‘christian barbeque’ tradition on leading citizens front lawns.
– Andrew Bolt continued to be a c-nt.
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– India sends 10 satellites into orbit simultaneously, with microwave technology providing not only communication but also a lucrative sideline in delicious, hot convenience store foods.
– Kevin Rudd makes good on his promise of exploring alternative energy sources with the creation of a thermal air facility known as the 2020 summit.
– Powerbrokers in the Liberal Party officially list leader Brendan Nelson as a carbon offset for tax purposes.
– Charlton Heston’s “summon nurse” button is prised out of his cold dead hands.
– Albert Hofmann, inventor of LSD, dies at the age of 102, or 9,331,483 @&%$#@ in acid years.
– Photographer Bill Henson quietly withdraws his application for the artist-in-residence position at Waroopna kindergarden.
– John McCain responds to Barack Obama’s world tour with an appearance in a supermarket in Ohio helping a woman buy applesauce, before decapitating his senior advisor and rooting the neck wound while laughing hysterically.
– Old rocker Bo Diddley’s dying words, “Bo Diddley’s dead oh yes he is yes he is” reach number seven on the Billboard chart.
– Pope Benedict XVI appears in Sydney Australia to commemorate World Youth Day, a festival many of his priests have been celebrating for quite some time.
– Russia invades the South Ossetian autonomous zone of Georgia in a rapid, focused military strike after which it departs with miminal casualties, its aims achieved – prompting condemnation from the leaders in Europe and a lucrative consultancy agreement from leaders in Washington.
– The Olympics commence in Beijing with an opening ceremony featuring 100,000 people who have been training for the event since the end of the Second World War.
– Michael Phelps wins eight gold medals, his quasi-divine powers and unique elongated physique prompting millions to contemplate the transcendental mystery of human being as embodied in sport, and how big really is his c-ck.
– Tim Blair’s colostomy bag starts its own blog.
– Britney Spears something who the fuck knows
– John McCain introduces Sarah Palin to the world, the first time an old wreck has introduced the bimbo sprawled across its hood.
– Free-market capitalism, 17 years after “the end of history”, collapses, beaten the last reich by a good half-decade.
– John McCain announces his intention to suspend his campaign and returns to Washington befor forgetting what he went in there to get.
– The Large Hadron Collider is found to be defective, obliging scientists to package up the entire 17km tunnel and mail it back to the office in Gosford, so as not to void the warranty.
– Barack Obama announces that he only knew Weather Underground radical Bill Ayers breifly and besides the dude had to do what he had to do to f-ck up the man and then wakes up screaming.
– David Foster Wallace, US novelist, dies by his own hand for reason unknown as authorities stopped reading the note at page 73.
– Julie Bishop shows people round parliament house, and then six more properties unable to cionvicne them she’s not a trainee real estate agent.
– Paivo Haavikko, Finnish poet whose “Winter Palace” you should … well, see Jules Dassin.
– Iceland collapses, alarming international commentators when they realise it’s not a skating rink in New Jersey.
– Authorities in Anchorage raid the Palin household and rename their children.
– Barack Obama wins US Presidency. No, it’s true he really f-cking did. Yeah, really. Really.
– Hillary Clinton expresses confidence that she will prevail when all the primaries have been completed.
– Bruno, a brown bear holding a press conference to explain his action in the near by woods is joined by Kevin Rudd with something to say about the ETS.
– Barack Obama announced that George W Bush would be a part of his Cabinet — as “President” — in order to promote the healing.
– P-ssed online Australian hack goes to Mexico to recover.