Kid gloves Kevin

Since that org-smic moment I was crowned emperor of Australia I hit the ground running, working hard to meet the challenges of today. The challenges of tomorrow I bequeath to Julia Gillard.

A lot has happened during my first year in office. Global economic uncertainty deepened as the US sub-prime crisis spread and credit markets declined sharply. Then Wall Street went into meltdown and President Bush responded with a socialist agenda of nationalising the financial sector.

Why did I rush over in September and lecture the Americans on their internal economic restructure? Why did I abandon Parliament and Question Time during Malcolm Turnbull’s first week to reproach an empty UN Assembly about my every t-sticular scratching? Why did I grapple tackle anyone with a semblance of authority with a smile and “Hi, I’m Kevin and I’m from Queensland and I’m here to help”? Why did I share Robert Hill’s bedroom? Was that some kind of thrift symbolism? And having been to the UN, how on earth did Nicole get the role of The Interpreter over Cate?

Throughout this past year, working families, ordinary mums and dads, good folk of this great land of ours, Australia, they have been dealing with the impact of rising inflation — both on the cost of day to day living and on interest rates. When I was anointed as potentate, I inherited inflation at its highest level in 16 years and the second highest interest rates among advanced economies. The Lodge was unkempt and there wasn’t a maid, butler or bum boy in sight. So I understand how tough it is out there.

In terms of my handling of the financial crisis, we moved immediately to make fighting inflation a core priority. As Wayne Swan said, “the inflation genie is out of the bottle”. I later advised Wayne that he was “a f-cking bucolic goose” for spooking the markets and that Gillard would have his job if he kept bumbling about on the economy. Later, PM&C were instructed to work for 263 hours non-stop drafting a five point plan on inflation designed to place downward pressure on interest rates through strong budget surpluses achieved by reducing waste in government spending, encouraging private savings, tackling the skills shortages and infrastructure bottlenecks, and lifting productivity and workforce participation.

Language like this makes me go clammy. I love the smell of bureaucrat in the morning.

Killer Kevin

Inflation is only one of many significant challenges facing working families and the nation’s future in these tough economic times. That’s why we began travelling overseas to examine price rises in other principalities. Well look, to those of you who don’t understand the importance of implementing plans to ease the cost of living pressures on working families, working people, good folk, the importance of ending the blame game in our health and hospitals system, of building a world class education system through our Education Rotisserie, of underpinning productivity growth, of tackling climate change by investing heavily in the coal industry and creating a fair and flexible workplace by marginally tinkering with WorkChoices, then can I just say this — that’s what you get when you dump Kim Beazley, so get over it.

And can I say this to my critics, besides the fact that the name of every single one of you who has been cut out and placed in the deep freeze at the Lodge, let me say this: the best platform for economic prosperity in the long-term is a well-educated population and a skilled workforce. This is why we began implementing our program for an Education Rotisserie — from early childhood learning to schools, techcolleges, universities and research and development, draining the public t-tty, talk about broadband, tool kits, yada yada, mention 21st century infrastructure, drop in building blocks of the economy — so you can see that under my government, each and every school child will no longer see their education dollar going round and round between the Commonwealth and the States.

And of course to have a platform for future growth you unquestionably need economic infrastructure, which is why we have entrusted to Anthony Albanese, one of the most competent and capable ministers ever to come from Camperdown, and we have got Anthony and Infrastructure Australia undertaking a national audit of Australia’s infrastructure needs and providing advice in about 16 light years on our nation’s infrastructure priorities.

Kitchen Kevin

You know something, when it comes to understanding the needs and aspirations of ordinary people, working families doing it tough in these uncertain economic times, understanding the cost of living pressures, I understand that high petrol and grocery prices hurt working families. That’s why we initiated three key measures.

First, we gave the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission new powers to ensure that working families are getting a fair deal at the pump. The petrol pump that is. Second, I instructed Chris Bowen to lean in an intimidating fashion across the dispatch box, gawk down at the back bench, and then garble like a crack addict about the hallucinatory qualities of FuelWatch. Third, we established a Grocery Prices Inquiry to identify unnecessary cost increases between the farm gate and the supermarket check out. And let me say this, I know a fair bit about the farm gate, the farm animals, the farm life, the farm girls, the farm poultry.

I’ve been working with rural and regional communities, rural people, barnyard livestock and the like, to provide support for those affected by this long-running drought. I’ve responded to the worst drought in 100 years by (wait for it) initiating a major review of Australia’s water, quarantine and biosecurity systems. And when these reviews, inquiries, probes, appraisals and evaluations are eventually handed to the Government, I have complete faith in Julia Gillard’s ability to implement them.

How do I stay so in touch with ordinary Australians? Well, I get out there and hold Community Cabinet meetings, which I personally minute:

August 3. Community Forum day, you beauty. A Town Hall full of ordinary families, working people, good folk, children, parents, grandparents and quite a few of those wholesome big breasted, sun-tanned white girls. There’s a window, I’d narrow it down to between the ages of 17-23, when these types of younger women display an air of invitation. After that they get fat and naggy and marry Labor leaders. Oops, my mind’s wandering.

Cabinet is ignored as yours truly is thanked, praised, loved and licked. Predictably, a rather disheveled woman (a “slag” as Albo suggested later) began viciously castrating me about her addled family and how Labor isn’t going to help her (true) and how nothing’s changed since I became PM (spot on) and how Labor’s not going to wind back any of Howard’s unfair work policies (bingo) and how politicians just care about themselves (this woman’s a f-cking psychic) and how the economy will wilt under Labor (Wayne’s fault, but full marks).

Our society in general, and the body politic specifically, would be better off if I could have just strode down the aisle and ‘biffed that scrawny bint’ (Albo again) in the face. About eight times. But I’m Leader now, so I noted her concerns and said Tanya or Nicola or Jenny or one of my harem will address her concerns. Meantime, I hope her bowels fall out.

Next a so-called “elderly battler” asks me about the appalling health system in the great state of Queensland and why I didn’t support Latham’s policy for elder health care — Medicare Gold.

“To be honest”, I said, although I had no intention of being so, “anything that bears the Latham brand is persona non grata in my office — be it saving old growth forests or addressing middle class aspirations.”

Tomorrow: W-nker, the Kevin Rudd Story, part three.

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey