“Hello, Imre Kevorkian speaking …y es, that’s right, I am the principal of Lowbottom High …

I’m sorry, could you repeat that? … That’s what I thought you said … Forgive me, Mr – Bill, then – but I’m not sure …I see, uh-huh, right, gotcha … so nothing – that is no one – over Year 8 … No, Bill, I am sure they do cross a shadow line, as you put it, after a certain age.

Um, Bill, do you mind me asking who gave you my number?… Vulnavia … Yes, I do believe we have a Vulnavia in Year 10 … She rang you?… And offered her services … I see … Yes, some of the material posted on Facebook is regrettable from the school’s point of view … Precocious an d… Full frontal, you say …

Well, of course, you refused her offer to model for you, Bill. Thank heavens there are people out there still with moral compunctions. Why, I was only reading in the Herald-Sun the other day about some dreadful artist chap …

Vulnavia said what? … That she was prepared to put younger models your way for a spotter’s fee! … Excuse me, Bill, I am just making a note to myself: ‘Vulnavia, Yr 10’ …

I’m sorry, Bill? You want to know whether I am agreeable to such an arrangement … we-ll … Yes, I am sure that your work is very important – remind me again what it is you do … Oh, photography! I am something of a happy snapper myself. But haven’t you got anyone closer to home, family say, who you can photograph? Personally I’m rather fond of nature shots …

Well, I wouldn’t know anything about art, Bill, I’m a maths teacher … No, I’m sorry, Bill, you’ve got me there … Chiaroscuro? Sounds like one of those nasty Italian drinks … Now listen here, Bill, if you’re going to be like that I will have to end the call…

You’re a friend of Trevor Diogenes? We might have a Diogenes on staff, I’d have to check with the office. But I really think, all things considered … Actually, Bill, my parents are from Chechnya not Philistine … Good day to you …

Dorothy? Get me Diogenes.”

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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