A familiar email has started doing the rounds again:

CEO: chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: corporate fraud officer.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no s-x.

VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER: What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

“BUY, BUY”: A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

CALL OPTION: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you’re the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

PROFIT: Religious person who talks to God.

Peter Fray

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