Listen, I’m a straight-talking kind of bloke. Knocked around a bit before I became chief political correspondent for Cranky, King Island’s leading daily news websheet. I’m a bit of a free-thinker, me. If you’ve got a sacred cow I’m gonna slam it on a barbie, I don’t give ticks for political correctness and I can’t stand clichés. The establishment usually don’t like it, but they can go to hell, with their cultural studies w-nkers and their elitist year nine completion certificates. I call a spade a spade or I would if political correctness gone mad hadn’t made us say something like “flat soil lifting tool” are you with me????!!! It’s mad political correctness it is.

Listen, some of these longhaired types with their their well-formed sentences have been trying to make things complicated. It’s all damn simple really. Things are bloody obvious if you think in black and white — sorry in a “rich multicultural mix of distinct identities” can I have my PhD now, my a-se needs wiping. Are you with me??????!!!!

That’s just the sort of maverick I am. I tried to make the fools see sense but they didn’t want to know, which is the King Island library council subcommittee’s loss quite frankly. The Bilderberg Group has a lot to answer for.

But really, things are only complicated if you start thinking about them and all that does is heat up the metal pin in your head. If you can’t find what you want in an old Frank Devine column, then you probably didn’t need them in your head in the first place.

Sometimes people put another way of looking at things to me and ask me what I think and I usually say “discourse”. Sometimes “logocentric”. But usually “discourse”. That shuts them up real quick. Certainly stops my voices for a while. Discourse.

Any suggestion that things might be different from appear to be they how — and don’t start nagging me about syntax you femigay, I’ll words the put where I please well damn, it’s just grammatical correctness gone mad otherwise. You arts w-nkers can take that elsewhere, you and your fancy opposable thumbs. Mandibles not good enough for ya, ya mammal? Don’t try this at home folks, the Mont Pelerin society will have your phone cut off.

See I don’t go with that sort of groupthink. I’m an individual me, which I how I come to my startling conclusions: The West has some faults but is mostly good, the market has some flaws but is mostly good, ooer er climate change is a worry but the hysterics are as bad as the loony deniers. If it sounds like a I just shat a bunch of Herald Sun headlines that’s cos all us free thinking no bullshit intellectuals arrive at the same place. Doesn’t make you popular, which is why the Illuminati had me thrown out of the Flag Inn on the pretext “unidentified carpet smears”.

We march to the beat of a different drummer us, or would if we had basic motor functions. You and your fancy cerebral cortex ohhhh we’re so evolved look at us with our fancy post-medulla thinking. Wankers.

Are you with me??????

Discourse. — as told to Guy Rundle.