Gay men, the unsung heroes of the child beauty pageant circuit. When veterans of the pageant process talk about its merits, they emphasize the gains to the young girls who compete: poise, confidence, and sociability are just some of the many dividends (not to mention wicked expertise with hair curlers and eyelash glue). But some gay Southern men have benefited in equal measure from child pageantry: It has offered them a livelihood, acceptance, and a venue in which to practice their considerable talents. It has also brought them excessive amounts of scorn. — Lee Bailey, Radar

Heath Ledger case closed. After almost eight months of finding nothing, the federal investigation into Heath Ledger’s death has been officially closed. Mary-Kate Olsen was reportedly set to be subpoenaed later this month, but the U.S. Attorney’s office apparently saw enough of the DEA going around the country interviewing models and actresses over an accidental overdose and shut the entire investigation down. — IDontLikeYouInThatWay

The bizarre Drug Enforcement Agency probe into Heath Ledger’s death. Sources connected with the Heath Ledger investigation say the Drug Enforcement Administration set a new low for starf**king. People who have talked to TMZ off the record are now willing to go on record — still anonymously — about one of the most bizarre DEA power grabs ever. How’s this for starters … no one we’ve spoken with connected with the case can point to a single DEA case where a massive investigation was launched over an accidental death in which no criminality was even hinted at. We know the DEA went all over the country, in one case tracking down a guy in California who smoked a joint with Ledger in the ’90s, telling him he had to testify in a Grand Jury probe. And how’s this for chutzpah … the DEA told the guy he would have to pay his own way to NYC to testify before the Grand Jury! — TMZ

Why Didn’t Anyone Run These Recent Photos of Madonna Looking Normal? This afternoon, on a lark, we decided to look to see whether there were any recent pictures of Madonna out there looking normal after those weird, terrible shots of her showed up in the Daily Mail one week ago. After all, we’ve been thinking about Madonna’s face a lot lately. And lo and behold, there are pictures of the pop star looking like her regular lovely, zero-fat self — from five days ago. The singer was snapped with Michael Moore in Michigan at a screening of her film I Am Because We Are, a documentary about orphans in Malawi with AIDS. — New York Magazine

Katie Holmes’ downward spiral. Sometimes, a picture is worth 1,000 words. Of course, that’s never stopped us before, which is why we devoted more than 500 of them to the troubling issue of Katie Holmes’ addiction to baggy, saggy pegged jeans. It’s difficult to come up with a plausible explanation for this manner of pants abuse, but we came up with a few theories anyway… — Gofugyourself

Joss Stone to play Henry VIII wife. Of course. Singer Joss Stone is to play Anne of Cleves, fourth wife of Henry VIII, in the racy historical drama The Tudors. It is her first TV role, although she did recently grace the small screen as the Cadbury’s Flake girl. Stone is keen to establish an acting career and made her debut in 2006 fantasy film Eragon. Her first starring role, in British film Snappers, hits cinemas later this year. –

Britney Spears to play a killer lesbian stripper in Quentin Tarantino film.