Talk at the Seven, Nine and Ten programming tables this week.

At Seven: “We had that Gordon Ramsay but you let him go Tim,” says CEO David Leckie to programming chief Tim Worner, who coils up into a ball and cringes as Leckie imitates Chef Ramsay…

“Nine’s worked wonders milking Gordon’s mouth … we had him, we could have done it,” shouts Leckie.

Over at Ten, there’s a more measured feel as programming chief David Mott and CEO of TV Grant Blackley chew the fat.

“How many more times do I have to ask, David, what are we doing to fix BB?” asks Blackley.

“It’s sinking under the weight of its own  nothingness. No-one is taking any notice. Repeats of Two and A Half Men are whipping it. Fifth (last David, last) on Monday. What’s the drill, son? Make your mind up. How much did we offer Gordie Ramsay?”

MOTT: Don’t worry, here’s a good idea. Babewatch, sorry, Beachwatch comes to Big Brother. Think … BB. What part of the female anatomy does BB look like? Think Baywatch, Grant, high-cut red cossie, a firm but bouncing chest, every bogan’s desire, and she’s free and cheap and the price is coming down because Endemol Southern Star, owe us … after all they stuffed it up selecting that bunch of turkey slappers masquerading as housemates, inmates more like it.

BLACKLEY: Are you talking Bondi Rescue here David, you’ve made your mind up? Baywatch, haven’t we already seen this?

MOTT: No, Grant she’s for BB, PA’s for BB. Fairfax is onside, by the way. The Herald and The Age won’t kick up a fuss. They’ll purse their lips and frown but won’t say a word. I reckon the News Ltd tabloids will love it and give us miles of free pre-publicity. Don’t worry, David Penberthy will find Pammie Anderson in his office one afternoon and it’ll be all over for the Tele; David Kirk and Ronnie Walker are onside at Fairfax. Pammie will do some “modelling” for the senior managers … in a All Blacks jumper and gym socks I’m told.

BLACKLEY: So we get Pammie Anderson into BB and every young bloke under 30 will reckon they’re in with a chance. They’ll ditch that stupid Charlie Sheen and all those Top Gear wankers on SBS on Monday nights, not to mention that Ugly Betty on Seven on Wednesday and anyone else on Nine and Ten at 7.30. She’ll be biiiigggggg.

MOTT: You certain about Fairfax?

BLACKLEY: Yeah, Southern Star’s told them it’s Pammie or curtains for BB next year and 20 cents off earnings per Fairfax share. And what about Gordie Ramsay?

MOTT: Told us to stuff our whistle up our soufflé and sing … something to do with pig’s trotters.

BLACKLEY: Oh, so Seven’s got Gordie Ramsay? Isn’t the stuff old, 10 years or so?

MOTT: “Yeah, Timmy Worner will be happy. Leckie’s gone quiet again and is looking at his finger. Gordie on Seven at 10pm with Boiling Point. That timeslot means lots and lots of dirty words. No turkey slapping though. It was offered to us but Pammie Anderson has drained the bank.”

Over at Seven:

LECKIE: Tim you got that Ramsay?

WORNER: Yes, David.

LECKIE: And it’s hot? It’s Boiling Point?

WORNER: Yes David. Nine should have paid a fee to lock him up completely. They are getting arrogant.

LECKIE: Yes I know. They do have 14 eps of Nightmares from August? Can we handle that?

WORNER: Yes, we have the complainants set up, ready to go for us — but not for Nine. We’ll get another Senate inquiry, or even the Pope involved.

LECKIE: And there will be nothing on Today Tonight about swearing and Gordie Ramsay, Tim?

WORNER: F’ken oath Dave, I’ve told them, slag Nine for all you like but Gordie’s now one of yours! Get into Mercedes Corby again, find a new diet, but leave Gordie alone. No, hang on, get an old Gordie story out and we’ll recut it and run it the night before Boiling Point starts, yeah!

Over at Nine, CEO, David Gyngell talks to Michael Healy, the head of programming.

GYNGELL: So Ten’s got Pamela Anderson and Seven has the latest Gordon Ramsay program?

HEALY: Latest? We had one of those, they’re mouldy, Gynge. Ten years old, Ramsay would chuck ‘em out if he found ‘em in his kitchen.

GYNGELL: Oh, I’d better ring David Hurley and get him to tell Amanda at The Oz, and someone at the Tele. I’ll get publicity to drop something to the Herald and The Age and AAP. I’ll take calls and stick the boot into Seven. That will teach them.

GYNGELL: You say Pamela Anderson’s giving private lessons at the Tele, is she? How about we get Roberta Williams to pose topless for Woman’s Day? Get Eddie on the phone, slowly … Ring ACP and get them to offer her $100,000. and while we are at it I’ll get Westie to ring Della and see if we can slip something Belinda’s way to do an exclusive on Kerri-Anne’s show, or we can start that new program; Don’t You Know Who I Am?

Etc.

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Peter Fray
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