With the news that the Australian Federal Police have commissioned a reality TV show in order to restore its tattered image, Crikey is proud to offer this extract from a script we’ve submitted to the AFP as the basis for the first episode.

Scene: A filthy streetscape in a ruined industrial area. MICK and three of his COPS, all in their clown uniforms, are huddled behind an AFP vehicle. Every few seconds, a bullet ricochets nearby.

MICK: We’re pinned down, fellas. Can’t one of you get a shot away?

COP 1: Sorry Commissioner, but my big red nose is blocking me from aiming properly.

MICK: How about you, Reg?

COP 2: I can’t see a thing behind this big silly orange wig.

MICK: Jim, can you make a break for it?

COP 3 (lifting up his foot): I would except I can’t run at all in these big floppy shoes.

MICK: It looks like we’re done for. (His vest flies up into his face)

COP 1: Wait – it’s the Emo Mobile!

A twenty year old Tarago with a wheelchair in the back screeches up beside the AFP car, and a figure in black steps out.

MICK: Emo Man!

EMO MAN: What’s the problem, fellas?

Bullets whistle around him.

MICK: Emo Man – those lawyers and media commentators over there are making us look stupid and saying unhelpful things about some anti-terrorism cases we’re prosecuting – while the matter is still before the courts and everything!

EMO MAN: I’ll fix that!

He turns and strides over toward several men and women crouched nearby. Their bullets of sound principle and due process dissolve harmlessly in Emo Man’s forcefield of righteous wrath.

EMO MAN: Let me tell you something. While you’re here defending the rights of terrorists, ordinary Australians, hard-working everyday Aussies, are lining up to buy petrol at a dollar sixty a litre. They can’t afford to hire fancy lawyers like you. They can’t even afford to feed their kids. All they can afford is to put petrol in their cars, so they can go to work, and earn enough money so that they can put petrol in their car to go to work in. It’s a vicious circle.

One of them, an ordinary Aussie bloke, said to me the other day, he said to me ‘Emo Man,” he said, “Petrol is so expensive I tried to convert my car so that it would run on alcohol. But Kevin Rudd – he put the price of that up too, Emo Man! When will it end?”

For god’s sake, Mr Speaker… erm, Mr Russo, do you really understand what ordinary families are going through? I say this – Muslims will get a fair shake from our legal system when WE GET A FAIR SHAKE OF THEIR OIL!

The lawyers and commentators keep firing.

EMO MAN (continued): Well, I have no choice but to give you the full force of my fury.

It is a terrifying site. Emo Man turns bright red, his veins bulging, his brow deeply furrowed, and begins shaking, until a massive explosion of raw emotion emanates outward, dissolving all in its path.

MICK (emerging from hiding): Thanks Emo Man. You saved us.

Mick’s vest flies up into his face again.

EMO MAN (shaking, gesturing toward where his enemies were): Yes Mick… but if only I could’ve saved…. them as well.

He dissolves into tears.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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