As of today, Lord Black of Crossharbour leaves his Palm Springs mansion and drives down Florida’s Highway 301 to become inmate No. 18330-424 at the low risk Coleman Federal Correctional Centre.

He will be stripped of his Saville Row suits and forced to wear the clothing of an institution he will never get to own and control. He will be issued with green shirts, green pants, grey T-shirts, white T-shirts, underwear and shoes.

“Upon arrival at a new institution, an inmate is interviewed and screened by staff from the case management, medical, and mental health units. Later, an inmate is assigned to the Admission and Orientation (A&O) Program, where he or she receives a formal orientation to the programs, services, policies, and procedures of that facility.

“For security, safety, and sanitation reasons, the Bureau of Prisons limits the amount of property (jewelry, photographs, books, magazines, etc.) inmates may have and the types of publications inmates can receive… All other items are considered contraband and will be seized.”

He will then be read the riot act, or greatest severity prohibited acts which include killing, assault, s-xual assault, escape, setting fire, possession and, of course, rioting.

Once the Green Man has settled down in his spacious shared accommodation and shared a few intimate toilet moments with his cell mate, he might consider job assignments or on-the-job training opportunities designed “to establish positive work habits,” respect and tolerance of others and reduce recidivism.

One suspects the convicted thief and fraudster’s eyes will be drawn to the inmates’ bank account section. The Commissary was created to provide a bank type account for inmate monies and for the procurement of articles not regularly issued as part of the institution administration.

The purpose of individual inmate Commissary accounts is to allow the Bureau of Prisons to maintain inmates’ monies while they are incarcerated. Family, friends, or other sources may deposit funds into these accounts. Don’t feel obliged but you may send funds to Federal inmates via the United States Postal Service or via the Western Union Quick Collect Program.

Comfortable we have money in the bank? Now it’s time to sit back and enjoy six and a half years of this every day:

6:00 a.m. Recreation Move, Clothing Issue,
Insulin Line Open/Mainline Open
6:15 a.m. Insulin Line Closed
Restricted Medication Pill Line
Open Compound
6:30 a.m. Sick Call Open
Restricted Medication Pill Line Closed
7:00 a.m. Coffee Hour (7:00 a.m. – 8:00 a.m.)
Weekends and Holidays 7:15 a.m. UNICOR Work Call
7:30 a.m. A.M. Work Call
7:40 a.m. End of Work Call
7:55 a.m. Ten Minute Controlled Movement
8:55 a.m. Ten Minute Controlled Movement
9:30 a.m. Compound Recall
9:55 a.m. Ten Minute Controlled Movement
10:30 a.m. Brunch Weekends only
10:30 a.m. UNICOR Release to Mainline
10:50 a.m. Facilities Release to Mainline
11:10 a.m. Education Release to Mainline
11:15 a.m. Prescription Pick-up Only
11:30 a.m. Unit Rotation
12:15 p.m. Last Call for Mainline
12:30 p.m. P.M. Work Call
12:55 p.m. Ten Minute Controlled Movement
1:55 p.m. Ten Minute Controlled Movement
2:55 p.m. Ten Minute Controlled Movement
3:00 p.m. Commissary Closed
3:20 p.m. Restricted Medication Pill Line Open
3:30 p.m. Yard Recall
4:00 p.m. Institutional Stand-Up Count
°Commissary Open after count clears
°Begin evening meal rotation
(Subsequent to the clearing of the 4:00 p.m. count)
4:30 p.m. °Insulin Line Open
6:15 p.m. Last call for mainline
7:45 p.m. Pill Line
8:30 p.m. Recreation Recall
8:45 p.m. Final Recall
9:00 p.m. Institutional Count.

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey