Kevin Rudd: Kevin is a model pupil who works very hard and sets high standards for himself. He has made a solid start as school captain but occasionally has to be ordered out of the classroom at recess and lunch. Might want to consider going for an early-morning power-walk to stay fit.
Julia Gillard: Julia has taken on several extra subjects this year but appears to be managing her studies well. Has proved very good in Debating Club. Could brush her hair properly before coming to school in the mornings.
Wayne Swan: Wayne is a good student but a nervous public speaker and has yet to fill us with confidence that he can handle the school banking. Repeatedly complains that his predecessor messed up the accounts, when he should be getting on with his work.
Lindsay Tanner: Lindsay has been a surprise performer this year. While always a solid student, this year Lindsay has impressed on the sporting field, running rings around his opponents. However, has scared other pupils by standing around in the playground waving a razor.
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Anthony Albanese: We had high hopes for Anthony in the position of Official School Bully. Unfortunately he has yet to get the full measure of some other pupils and will need to toughen his act up.
Penny Wong and Peter Garrett: Penny and Peter are our green team and have made a solid start. Penny might perhaps spend less time looking in a mirror, while Peter, who a couple of years ago dropped Band to concentrate on his studies, sometimes needs to remember which sheet he is supposed to be singing from.
Brendan Nelson: Brendan has had a disappointing start to the school year. On the sporting field he has proved a poor leader while academically he appears to be having difficulty finding replacements for last year’s textbooks. Must do better.
Julie Bishop: Julie came to us from a private school with a good reputation, but has struggled. We were particularly concerned about reports of a number of her fellow pupils ganging up on her after-hours. Also appears to be working off last year’s textbooks.
Malcolm Turnbull: Malcolm has started well but has annoyed some of his fellow pupils with his manner. Should perhaps concentrate on his work more rather trying to catch other students out with pop quizzes.
Nick Minchin: Nick has been a disruptive student all term. His influence over some other pupils is regrettable. We have tried a number of times to call in his parents, but the phone number, a place somewhere in Wollstonecraft, is never answered.
George Brandis: George has concentrated on Debating Club this year ahead of actually doing any work. Needs to stop listening to Churchill speeches in the library and start reading his textbooks.
Joe Hockey: Joe isn’t blessed with a lot of talent, but he has a big heart and always gives his all. A testament to the philosophy that doing one’s best is all that can be asked of anyone. Might want to think about joining Kevin on those early-morning walks.
Alexander Downer: Alex’s attendance has been irregular, his concentration poor and he has distracted the other students. Alex may wish to consider whether he wants to remain with us or try his luck in the world of employment.