Sent: Monday, 18 February 2008
From: Kevin Rudd
To: Brian Burke
Subject: Our emails

Dear Brian

Well this is embarrassing, isn’t it. How the heck did News Ltd get hold of this? I’ve yelled at Lachlan Harris, I’ve yelled at David Epstein, I’ve yelled at the wenches in the office, but nobody has an answer to why the media remain independent and investigative. My advice is, just deny everything and stand in front of a church smiling like a mannequin.

I suspect the email leak comes from Hillary Gillard – or the Fifth Beatle as I now call her after her latest, and perhaps most bizarre, hair style. No one, and let me stress this Brian, no one displays a hair colour brighter than my tie. She practically ruined Sorry Day with that Ringo number.

Let me just say this Brian, I think there’s concern in the Ministry about my last email giving them specific instructions about what they say in parliament and the language they use. Don’t you think it’s a fair go to be referred to as the top dog, numero uno, the main man, the head honcho, master and commander, the big cheese, bwana devil, the big kahuna, el jeffee, or Papa Doc Rudd?

Yet again, I have to do everything for the Labor Party. I’ve been up most nights writing maiden speeches for Bill Shorten and Maxine McCute. I’ve written Joel’s White Paper, and explained to Kate Ellis the difference between rugby union and rugby league. About 8 times. Today I’m going to tell Justine Elliot what Aged Care is. Thank god Nick Sherry never wants to speak in public.

Listen mate, I’m going to deny everything, say we never held hands, that I only pecked you on the cheek, that it was just a movie and dinner and that I was home before daylight.