I’m starting to get a little nervous about Kevin Rudd and his new government. Sure, he’s ratifying the Kyoto Protocol. Yes, he and his regime are shortly to apologise to the Stolen Generation. We’ll probably see Liberal-government-deportee Dr Haneef back in the country too, with the Ruddmeister offering to strip down and offer to be his first patient. My problem lies not with what Labor is doing; it’s what they should be doing.

You see, I’m a comedian, and the Melbourne International Comedy Festival is a mere two months away. And as the newly appointed, live-up-to-their-election-promises administration, they’ve not done one goddamn thing to help out my fellow comedians and me.

Sure, as opposition leader, it was all Mandarin and ear wax. But the immediate comedic obstacle is the fact our PM isn’t even in office. (Clearly Kevin07 was in reference to the number of weeks he was taking off.)

I hoped all wouldn’t be lost when he chose to attend the cricket. For it is a perfect opportunity to display poor skills at a game you profess to love, just as two previous leaders did when both were struck in the head with a ball – one from a bouncer, one from a ball bowled himself. So, what did our exalted leader do? Sat with dignity talking to Hugh Jackman. Probably without one mention of the quickly axed Viva Laughlin, too. Thanks for nothing, Kevvy.

Julia Gillard, as stand-in PM, did her best to kick start comedic proceedings by becoming the fall-down PM. Somehow though, managed with dignity! Had a laugh, and off she went to briefly rule her country. What the hell’s that about? Peter Costello would have, at the very least, had the good grace to fall on a poor person. I’m beginning to suspect Ms Gillard has a BSOH (Barren Sense of Humour).

I’m not a political comedian by any stretch, but for the sake of myself and others this Comedy Festival, I am demanding/pleading to all front, back and side benchers of the ALP… wear a tracksuit or bullet proof vest, sing karaoke, play a sport for the very first time, stand on a wonky table at an Old Age Home, or even claim to be the father of someone who isn’t yours. Just do something. Please. You have until March 19th.