Lisa Robertson: Who among us can say that at some time or another we’ve not wanted to shag Ralph Fiennes in an aircraft toilet? Of course we have, it’s just that none of us have attempted to turn it into a career.
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Bindi Irwin: Go back to school. It’s over.
Caroline Overington: The reporter with the full-contact contacts. There must be other ways to get a story?
Brian Burke: It was the hat really. And his persistence. Couldn’t he just see the harm he was doing his alleged fellow travellers and slide away into obscurity? Apparently not. Everything that has been appalling about the Labor Party of old is embodied in this man.
James Packer: Let’s stop manipulating the mass media for political and commercial gain, let’s make a poultice out of exploiting gambling addictions. Nice.
The entire Qantas board: They said sell at $5.45 or the sky would fall. Check today’s price. A scandal.
Andrew Hansen’s hair: As sure a sign as any that The Chaser team spent much of 2007 breathing in the rich aroma of their own bullsh-t.
Paul Lennon: Bleeahh.
Kevin Rudd’s mate Kyle Sandilands: Talented? No. Funny? You’re kidding. Physically attractive: like a half rotten sweet potato. Witty: Hah. Capable of contributing anything to the sum of broad human endeavour: Probably not.
Nicole Kidman: A late entrant. For those silver pants. And that chemically induced forehead. And denying that said forehead is chemically induced.
Lisa Oldfield: Guess what Lisa, we don’t care. About anything you have ever said or done. Ever.
Andrew Quah: You just wanted photographic proof that it actually existed. Yes?
Britney Spears’ mum (late entry): Your new book on effective Christian parenting? Try a column in Caravan World.
Karl Rove: Incarnate evil with bad hair, but endearing nickname.
Facebook: And we thought it was our friend.
Heather Mills: Legless in liverpool. Harrassed by the media? Like Diana? Sadly only up to a point. Ah, the joy of, as Guy Rundle put it, the “deep, deep tissue massage of loathing Heather Mills McCartney.”
Delta Goodrem: And the ARIA for most lavish hottub commercial goes to …
Matthew Newton: Australia says No! to Matthew Newton.
Peter Meakin: P-ssed. Driving. Off the hook. P-ss off.
Costello’s press sec David Gazzard: Well David, we didn’t get into the budget lock up, year after year, but guess what? We’ve still got jobs.