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CHANNEL SEVEN:

The Sunrise Team: Mel, Kochie, Nat, Mark: First names only but that’s where the impression of intimacy starts and stops. Despite what one hears about the intense carnal action amoung the broader Sunrise community, the on-air staff are about as rootable as four slices of Sunblest Sandwich in clingwrap.

Today Tonight: Anna Coren: You could, but check first for hidden microphones.

Seven News Melbourne: Jennifer Keyte, Peter Mitchell: Ms Keyte’s allure is the stuff of urban legend. Of Mr Mitchell we are less certain.

Seven Sydney: Ian Ross. Not actually a real person. Fantasy partner only … action which may involve one or more of those trademark stripey ties.

CHANNEL NINE:

The Today Team: Lisa Wilkinson, Karl Stefanovic, Richard Wilkins: Yes, but that would involve talking to Richard Wilkins, and Mr Wilkinson might take it amiss. Avoid.

A Current Affair: Tracy Grimshaw. A testament to the embalmer’s art.  Last recorded effective facial expression was in 1997.

Sunday : Ray Martin: Oh, God, make it stop.

Ray Martin’s hair: Much, MUCH hotter when detached, a touch of the merkin.

Ellen Fanning: Solid thought-provoking crumpet. Did work at the ABC, so best of both worlds possible here.

Nine News Melbourne: Peter Hitchener: Needs to make his intentions clearer. Might get one out of sympathy.

Jo Hall: A newsreader of a certain age.

Nine News Sydney: Mark Ferguson. Hmm. Something unsettling about the eyes, but certainly passes the t-ts and teeth test.

CHANNEL TEN:

Meet the Press: Paul Bongiorno. Take him home to mother. Snoggable.

Ten News Melbourne: Mal Walden. As close to a working definition of s-xlessness as might be possible. Which is of course deeply attractive in its way.

Ten News Sydney: Ron Wilson & Deborah Knight. Only if they asked very nicely. And brought a friend.

Late news: Sandra Sully. Where fantasy meets reality.

ABC:

The Insiders : Barry Cassidy. For Ray Barrett fans only. The myopic woman’s George Clooney.

Inside Business : Alan Kohler: Every superannuant’s dream (come on, he works here).

Lateline : Tony Jones: The thinking woman’s Kerry O’Brien. Don’t ask me questions.

Virginia Trioli : Has never used her Blahniks for evil. Which is a pity.

7.30 Report : Kerry O’Brien : Ol’ Fanta pants. The thinking woman’s Virginia Trioli (whatever that means)

ABC News Melbourne: Ian Henderson . Chipper, trim, hunky. The thinking man’s Anton Enus.

ABC News Sydney: Juanita Phillips . Hubba hubba, almost worth watching Four Corners to get to Juanita.

SBS:

SBS News: Stan Grant: The human being that most resembles wood. That is to say timber.

Lee Lin Chin: Only for the insatiably curious.

Anton Enus: One for the ladies.

Insight : Jenny Brockie. A penetrating intellect.

Dateline : George Negus. Those were the days, eh George?

SKY NEWS:

John Gatfield: Very orange most days. This may not appeal to everyone.

Leigh Hatcher: Old school. Looks a little needy.

Sharon McKenzie: A symphony in purple satin. We prefer natural fabrics. Bunny boiler?

John Mangos: Best work with Graham Kennedy is behind him. Still … nice tan.

Jacinta Tynon: Farrah Fawcett Minor. High maintenance.

David Speers: Oh no, David, no David, no!

Kieran Gilbert: Quite possibly a very attractive Klingon. Nice ties.

Helen Dalley: Cute in a Fran Bailey kind of way.

News execs:

Peter Meakin: Too drunk to f-ck.

John Westacott: Not if he was the last Nine news director on earth etc. Barely bone-able.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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