Unlike politicians with their policy pitches, Crikey is upfront. Drinking games have one purpose. To get drunk. Quickly. To get drunk, laugh and fall down. The Crikey Election Night drinking game has been designed with that in mind. There’s enough going on on election night to distract you, so the rules are simple.

Participants in the Crikey Election Night drinking game divide themselves up into two teams, Coalition and Labor.

When the Coalition lose a seat, the Coalition team have a drink to drown their sorrows. When Labor loses a seat, the Labor team have a drink to drown their sorrows.

When the Coalition win a seat, the Coalition team have a drink to celebrate. When Labor wins a seat, the Labor team have a drink to celebrate.

That means that everyone has a drink whenever a seat changes hands. But a drink of what? Just hold on a moment. We’ve still got to deal with what happens when a independent or minor party wins.

If an independent or minor party candidate wins, both the Coalition and Labor team members have a drink to drown their sorrows.

This means that every time a seat changes hands, all participants in the game have a drink. And that’s where the rules get very specific.

Drinks need to be matched with seats – or, to be specific, alcohol content must be matched with margins. Let’s just take two Coalition seats. Kingston is a light beer seat. Mallee is absinthe. You get the drift.

If you want to try some variations, here are some. If a minister loses their seat, participants must have three drinks. If a shadow loses theirs it’s two. Bennelong – five.

And in case the pace flags, everyone has to have a glass of whatever they were drinking when Antony Green calls the result in the seat that hasn’t changed hands.

I know some of you will be whining “What about the minor parties?”. Tough. I simply make these points:

  • Green voters are all hippies and hippies are always hoeing into the choof;
  • Family First voters don’t get drunk or stoned (even if a couple of deselected Family First candidates did);
  • LDP voters are already libertarians and don’t need an excuse to drink too much. It’s all a matter of individual choice; and
  • Given the ragtag of ideas they’ve already come up with it would be grossly irresponsible to encourage drinking by CEC voters.

Enjoy the night and remember that this is a very democratic drinking game. It leaves everyone with a hangover the day after the election.

Enjoy Responsibly.