1. Broken glass, blood on walls, people unconscious in hall and bathroom, smell of urine, woman sobbing hysterically in wrecked toilet cubicle:

a) ALP seat of Melbourne election night hoedown

b) ALP seat of Gellibrand average Saturday evening

c) ALP seat of Corio preselection

2. Angry, distraught people yelling abuse at TV broadcast of Howard victory speech:

a) Kooyong

b) Higgins

c) Australian DF Barracks Mess room, Iraq

d) Yarralumla

3. Dozen or so people in jeans and army disposal shirts sitting on orange stackable chairs in front of a trestle table behind which a speaker in a Palestinian scarf is giving a Marxist analysis of the situation in Nepal:

a) Socialist Alliance meeting

b) Socialist Alliance election night party

c) Socialist Alliance orgy

4. Packed suitcases in the hall, Holden with engine running in drive, nervous whey-faced men and women listening to bakelite radio:

a) Communist Party Dissolution referendum, 1951

b) Exclusive Brethren, 2004

c) Retro theme thing by John Howard’s Hos really starting to scare us now

5. Roomful of uglies

a) NSW Liberal Party state branch

b) Anything in Darwin

6. An enormous pile of LSD-filled watermelons

a) Catering at Greens party, Byron Bay branch

b) Guests at Greens party, Brunswick Branch

7. Ladies in gossamer gowns promenading round the ballroom of a wooden faux-classical columned mansion while, as a string quartet plays, a smiling man in a white suit strolls round saying to mint-julep drinking gents ‘our nigras is good nigras’

a) Lincoln – Douglas race, 1860

b) Bob Carr staying home watching DVD of Ken Burns’s Civil War with Finnish subtitles on, for practice

c) Katter! For! Kennedy!

8. Lively evening of interesting men and women talking enthusiastically about Thai cooking, their children, the novels of Margaret Atwood, renovation horror stories, Latin American travel tips, the film festi-

a) Qld Democrats

b) SA Democrats

c) Victorian Democrats

9. Knock on the door at 4am of this party of drunk cackling gals, painting each others’ nails, watching Sex and the City spiffy on cheap bubbly and chocolate sugar-rush, and you will hear:

a) ‘Sorry it’s a closed do for What Women Want’

b) ‘Election? What election?’

c) ‘Oh fiddlesticks, Monday already and here’s the driver from 2GB – see ya girls I’ve got a radio show to do!’

10. An unprepossessing bespectacled man and his dynamic wife, reflecting philosophically that in the real scheme of things victory or loss will make no great difference to how the world is

a) Howard residence

b) Rudd residence

c) All of the above.

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Peter Fray
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