Don’t wear the party tee:

Kevin 07 is just asking for it. Beware the fool who displays their allegiances on their chest. This is not a football match. Wear ‘Go for Growth’ across your ample bosom and all eyes shall be upon you any time you lose a seat. Don your best poker face throughout the coverage. Wait till it’s a done deal, then solemnly unfold your crisp white t-shirt, roll it over your torso and proceed to wave the finger guns. For the less fortunate, find a quiet corner for a tired little cry. Panda eyes in public are a fashion don’t.

Do try the tracksuit:

If the Prime Minister can conduct early morning television interviews dressed in stretch comfort fabric, then you too can leave the house wearing a tracksuit. Be it the official pine green and wattle gold, or Kath-inspired parachute mauve, a tracksuit is perfect for sweating in. And you can power walk right out of there if it all gets too much.

Do consider Black:

With a nod to Melbourne, and the Democrats, classic black is both stylish and the colour of choice for mourners.

Don’t overdress:

You may be at a party, and it may be Saturday night, but you’re still watching television, so don’t overdress. A nice trouser teamed with a comfortable shoe for standing in some casual acquaintance’s lounge room eating corn chips for hours is key.

Do dress party appropriate:

The Coalition voter:

Don’t: be easily identifiable. No boat shoes.

Do: keep a freshly ironed handkerchief in the back pocket.

The Labor voter:

Don’t: Your Rights At Work t-shirt. Crass.

Do: coat your nails with a slick of Bite Away.*

*anti fingernail biting polish.

The Greens voter:

Don’t: hand dyed oatmeal knits. Anything green.

Do: try boat shoes.

The Democrats voter:

Do: something in yellow, teamed with a fixed smile.

Don’t: a sad face.

The Family First voter:

Do: wear pants. (that means you Andrew Quah.)

Don’t: wear high pants.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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