“The current election is like Seinfeld – a show about nothing” — Mark Latham
MUSIC: tsch tsch a tsch tsch a tsch a tsch
JERRY (PETER COSTELLO): You never hear about the first banana do you? Have you ever noticed that? The leader well, he’s the leader. The loyal deputy for ten years, he’s a healthy snack. Ever friggin noticed that…
MUSIC: Bawow bow bow wap wap
SCENE 1. JERRY’S APARTMENT
JERRY/PETER (ON PHONE): I don’t know – all I can remember is he’s the Minister for Health and his nickname rhymes with a female body part. Oh that’s it – he’s a c-nt.
INTERCOM (GEORGE): Prog-nosis very negative!
JERRY: (SIGHS) Come on up….
GEORGE (JOHN HOWARD): Hey!
GEORGE: Listen if anyone calls here can you answer “Australian Economic Development”
JERRY: Australian Economic Development?
GEORGE: Yeah, I told a few people we’ve still got some…
JERRY: How many people?
GEORGE: The Australian electorate…
JERRY: George! Why didja tell em that?
GEORGE: Cos I’m weak Jerry, I’m weak! People think I’m the man of steel but underneath I’m a jellyfish.
JERRY: I never thought you were the man of steel.
INTERCOM: ELAINE (SOPHIE MIRABELLA): Prognosis neg-
JERRY: Come on up….
GEORGE: I’ve got to win this election Jerry I’ve got to. Otherwise I’ll have to move back in with…
JERRY: Your parents?
GEORGE: My wife.
ELAINE: Hey I saw that Bizarro guy who goes around pretending to be you.
JERRY: That’s my brother
ELAINE: I was talking to George
GEORGE: Oh him – he’s not like me at all
ELAINE: How come?
GEORGE: People like him
DOOR FLIES OPEN AND KRAMER (TONY ABBOTT) SLIDES IN
KRAMER: Hey-ya wha’s up? Hoo are those communion wafers?
JERRY: Kramer what have you been saying!? I’ve just been on the phone all morning.
KRAMER: Well he attacked me Jerry
JERRY: What with?
KRAMER: He had a petitition and I ya ay ya – I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway sign this.
JERRY: John Howard the biography by David Barnett – $1.95. Why?
KRAMER: It’s for the bubble boy.
JERRY: No! I don’t like the bubble boy
KRAMER: Jerry, you gotta sign it for the bubble boy! Or we’re finished!
JERRY (SIGH): what’s the bubble boy’s name?
KRAMER: Just put, to Dennis Shanahan with love.
PHONE RINGS. ELAINE GOES TO PICK IT UP
GEORGE: If someone asks for Australian Economic Development they want to talk to me!
ELAINE: Yeah right.
SCENE 2. THE DINER
BIZARRO JERRY (TIM COSTELLO) IS HAVING LUNCH WITH BIZARRO GEORGE (KEVIN RUDD)
BIZARRO GEORGE: So anyway he asked me who I’d be gay for.
BIZARRO JERRY: So did you give an honest unprepared answer?
BIZARRO GEORGE: Yeah sure (LAUGHS) … not that there would be anything wrong with that.
BIZARRO JERRY: Oh of course.
BIZARRO ELAINE (JULIA GILLARD) ENTERS
BIZARRO ELAINE: Well check it out gang – it’s my new how-to-vote card.
BIZARRO JERRY: That’s great Elaine.
BIZARRO GEORGE LOOKS AT CARD
BIZARRO GEORGE: Is that a principle?
BIZARRO ELAINE: What?
BIZARRO GEORGE: On your card …I thought I saw a bit of principle
ELAINE LOOKS IN HORROR: Omigod – Jerry! This has gone out to ten million voters.
BIZARRO JERRY: Ahhhhh, I’m sure they won’t notice.
BIZARRO ELAINE: Jerry are you crazy – I can’t stand on my principles… Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
ALL: Oh of course, no no no.
BIZARRO KRAMER (STEPHEN MAYNE) BURSTS IN
BIZARRO KRAMER: Heya gang guess what. I’m standing for the seat of Higgins.
BIZARRO JERRY: Well you’ve done weirde- (thinks). No actually I think that’s a new personal best for you.
ORIGINAL JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE AND KRAMER WALK IN
KRAMER: You know what – we should eat at that Nazi place.
JERRY: Ahhhh, I don’t want soup.
KRAMER: Who said anything about soup – I just like Nazis-
THE TWO GROUPS STARE AT EACH OTHER
JERRY: My god – it’s like we’re this contentless mirrors of each other in a featureless world of meaningless consumption and trivia.
ALL: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
MUSIC: Ba bap bap a wow wapababap.
VOICE OVER: Up next – Curb Your Enthusiasm. Starring Kevin Rudd