“The current election is like Seinfeld – a show about nothing” — Mark Latham

MUSIC: tsch tsch a tsch tsch a tsch a tsch

JERRY (PETER COSTELLO): You never hear about the first banana do you? Have you ever noticed that? The leader well, he’s the leader. The loyal deputy for ten years, he’s a healthy snack. Ever friggin noticed that…

MUSIC: Bawow bow bow wap wap

SCENE 1. JERRY’S APARTMENT

JERRY/PETER (ON PHONE): I don’t know – all I can remember is he’s the Minister for Health and his nickname rhymes with a female body part. Oh that’s it – he’s a c-nt.

INTERCOM (GEORGE): Prog-nosis very negative!

JERRY: (SIGHS) Come on up….

GEORGE (JOHN HOWARD): Hey!

JERRY: Hey!

GEORGE: Listen if anyone calls here can you answer “Australian Economic Development”

JERRY: Australian Economic Development?

GEORGE: Yeah, I told a few people we’ve still got some…

JERRY: How many people?

GEORGE: The Australian electorate…

JERRY: George! Why didja tell em that?

GEORGE: Cos I’m weak Jerry, I’m weak! People think I’m the man of steel but underneath I’m a jellyfish.

JERRY: I never thought you were the man of steel.

INTERCOM: ELAINE (SOPHIE MIRABELLA): Prognosis neg-

JERRY: Come on up….

GEORGE: I’ve got to win this election Jerry I’ve got to. Otherwise I’ll have to move back in with…

JERRY: Your parents?

GEORGE: My wife.

ELAINE: Hey

ALL: Hey

ELAINE: Hey I saw that Bizarro guy who goes around pretending to be you.

JERRY: That’s my brother

ELAINE: I was talking to George

GEORGE: Oh him – he’s not like me at all

ELAINE: How come?

GEORGE: People like him

DOOR FLIES OPEN AND KRAMER (TONY ABBOTT) SLIDES IN

KRAMER: Hey-ya wha’s up? Hoo are those communion wafers?

JERRY: Kramer what have you been saying!? I’ve just been on the phone all morning.

KRAMER: Well he attacked me Jerry

JERRY: What with?

KRAMER: He had a petitition and I ya ay ya – I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway sign this.

JERRY: John Howard the biography by David Barnett – $1.95. Why?

KRAMER: It’s for the bubble boy.

JERRY: No! I don’t like the bubble boy

KRAMER: Jerry, you gotta sign it for the bubble boy! Or we’re finished!

JERRY (SIGH): what’s the bubble boy’s name?

KRAMER: Just put, to Dennis Shanahan with love.

PHONE RINGS. ELAINE GOES TO PICK IT UP

GEORGE: If someone asks for Australian Economic Development they want to talk to me!

ELAINE: Yeah right.

SCENE 2. THE DINER

BIZARRO JERRY (TIM COSTELLO) IS HAVING LUNCH WITH BIZARRO GEORGE (KEVIN RUDD)

BIZARRO GEORGE: So anyway he asked me who I’d be gay for.

BIZARRO JERRY: So did you give an honest unprepared answer?

BIZARRO GEORGE: Yeah sure (LAUGHS) … not that there would be anything wrong with that.

BIZARRO JERRY: Oh of course.

BIZARRO ELAINE (JULIA GILLARD) ENTERS

BIZARRO ELAINE: Well check it out gang – it’s my new how-to-vote card.

BIZARRO JERRY: That’s great Elaine.

BIZARRO GEORGE LOOKS AT CARD

BIZARRO GEORGE: Is that a principle?

BIZARRO ELAINE: What?

BIZARRO GEORGE: On your card …I thought I saw a bit of principle

ELAINE LOOKS IN HORROR: Omigod – Jerry! This has gone out to ten million voters.

BIZARRO JERRY: Ahhhhh, I’m sure they won’t notice.

BIZARRO ELAINE: Jerry are you crazy – I can’t stand on my principles… Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

ALL: Oh of course, no no no.

BIZARRO KRAMER (STEPHEN MAYNE) BURSTS IN

BIZARRO KRAMER: Heya gang guess what. I’m standing for the seat of Higgins.

BIZARRO JERRY: Well you’ve done weirde- (thinks). No actually I think that’s a new personal best for you.

ORIGINAL JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE AND KRAMER WALK IN

KRAMER: You know what – we should eat at that Nazi place.

JERRY: Ahhhh, I don’t want soup.

KRAMER: Who said anything about soup – I just like Nazis-

THE TWO GROUPS STARE AT EACH OTHER

JERRY: My god – it’s like we’re this contentless mirrors of each other in a featureless world of meaningless consumption and trivia.

PAUSE

ALL: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

MUSIC: Ba bap bap a wow wapababap.

VOICE OVER: Up next – Curb Your Enthusiasm. Starring Kevin Rudd

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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