Swanny’s latest mash up:

The week in one liners:

Journalists were unable to make contact with a sect who have holed up in a cave in Russia awaiting the end of the world on November 24, and say they know almost nothing about these Libnatz…

Victorian Police Association head Paul Mullett has been suspended, and his duties will be taken over by a jobshare between officers Steve-Pack-of-Winnies-Under-The-T-Shirt-Sleeve, Dave Torana and Brian Classist…

Prime Minister John Howard launched his wife’s election campaign…

Visa has launched a virtual money scheme in which an entire economy consists of imaginary cash with no connection to real funds and Peter Costello is suing them for intellectual property theft…

France was thrown into chaos by a rail strike caused by the 10% of French workers in trade unions not reading the Australian media and discovering they have no power…

Amnesty International has condemned the jailing of Imran Khan saying it’s absurd to jail a cricketer who isn’t Trevor Chappell…

Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur whose diet was the nutrients on the surface of vegetables, surviving by sucking them off. They say its habitat was swamps and the television industry…

Comedy team the Chaser invaded the Seven network and were made to leave, a follow up to last week’s stunt where they invaded the Nine network and were made managing directors…

Star of Our House Noni Hazelhurst condemned the dumbing-down of television in a satirical appearance before the Screen Producers Association conference this week…

Bindi Irwin was cast in bronze, joining other celebrity statues including the Weary Dunlop statue in Melbourne, the giant Slim Dusty in NSW and the granite Barrie Cassidy which has been presenting Insiders for the last five years…

A Japanese space probe captured a high def image of what out world looks like if you happen to be on another planet, a new experience for people who don’t read Gerard Henderson…

An orangutan given half a million dollars by the Prime Minister used most of it to wipe its own ar-e resulting in spectators getting a great deal of amusement and the ape getting a Treasury job supervising currency swaps…

Malcolm Mackerras knew something was going to happen…

A woman passed out in the audience of a Sydney Theatre Company opening night. Audience members said the woman had been clearly enjoying the new Australian play and so probably collapsed from shock…

Scientists in London say they can create a home-DNA kit, which can diagnose disease from nothing more than a single human cell. They are still developing a test for Kevin Andrews…

Dymocks announced they would sell e-books in store, which they think will be a huge seller as long as no-one develops a global system of home and office based interconnection and transmission of electronic screen-based information…

Boy George has been charged with chaining a man to the wall of his living room an act the police said was unlawful imprisonment and the singer said was “using warm tonal elements to offset the dominance of the fireplace”…

Chelsy Davy has dumped Prince Harry after finding text messages from another woman on his phone. Reporters joked that the Prince could be Shane Warne’s son. And also later separately noted that, like Shane Warne, Prince Harry has damaged an intimate relationship through the injudicious use of text messaging…

Nicole Kidman said in order to focus on her family she has stopped acting, suggesting that she got that family round about Days of Thunder in 1990…

A filmmaker touring the country compiling a documentary on attractive young women’s body-image issues has got to be kidding…

A New York teenage was shot after police thought he had a gun, which turned out to be a hairbrush. Authorities said in light of that they had concerns for the safety of everyone except Bob Ellis…

In his ALP campaign speech, Kevin Rudd told the audience that it was his 26th wedding anniversary and as a present he was hoping to get his wife a giant labour market…

And the week in trash with Helen Razer:

The week in pop litter was painted in hope, desperation and folly.

And so was Alexander Downer. His reputation will be forever washed by these incompatible tints.

If the great arc of history commits to a memory of a man previously remarkable for looking like he’d just eaten custard straight from the pan, it will be as this: that guy who speaks even less French than the Manhattan Transfer.

Of all the trash emptied into our unwilling ambit this week, Downer’s, “C’est vrai que je parle français. Mais, alors je suis le ministre des affaires étranger d’Australie” is my favourite.

Because I understood it. Because I flinched at the slovenliness of his accent. Because this means, finally, there is someone who failed at French more spectacularly than I. Thank you, Chris Johnson from the West Australian, for making me feel like a more legitimate Francophile.

Johnson, as you may be apprised, asked that Downer show some linguistic muscle following the Minister’s critique of Kev’s Mandarin skillz. Now, I’ve no idea how good Rudd’s Chinese might be. But it HAS to be better than the sagging Franglais upchucked by Al.

Almost everything pales in contrast to this faux pas. Thank Sappho and her minions, then, for some good L-sbian intelligence.

As you know, I love news about Licker Licensees. First, we learn that local lez Portia di Rossi will soon go the growl with Joely Richardson on Nip/Tuck.

“I am a lesbian playing a lesbian,” she said in a radiant moment of self-awareness. Apparently, she and Ellen discussed the matter for some time and Portia realised that FINALLY it was time to stop HIDING her S-XUALITY.

Except, of course, that she hasn’t really. That’s one of only three things I know about her. The other two being (a) she was in that hateful program Ally McBeal and (b) according to an unreliable acquaintance, she’s a really good kisser.

And then, news surfaced that Pink might also be a hobbyist Muff Diva.

Do you care? Would it surprise you any more, than say, the SHOCK revelation that George Michael was gay? I don’t. And no it wouldn’t.

The thing that surprised me, erroneously as it turned out, is that she wed Corey Hart. Remember him? Sunglasses at Night? This was from 1984 when, I imagine, a young Pink was yet to buy her first copy of Bodyweight Exercises for Buff Women.

There was no excuse at all for Corey Hart. I checked my vinyl to be sure. 1984 wasn’t a terrible year. In 1984 I bought The Go Betweens’ Spring Hill Fair, Lloyd Cole’s Rattlesnakes and Madonna’s Like a Virgin. I still listen to all of these records. No-one listens to Corey’s woeful First Offense.

Some diligent googling reveals, however, that his name is Carey. Not Corey.

And he rides motorbikes and s-xually ambivalent popstars for a living. So, don’t be confusing them, ok?

Apart from this: britneyparislindsay. Couldn’t give a toss. Mais, J’attends novembre 25 quand je ne serai pas embarrassé pour être australienne. Vive le changement!

Envoyez-moi l’information: [email protected]

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