A single bitter tear rolls down our cheek as we stare into the dark abyss of the remainder of this election campaign. But then… a glimmer of hope emerges from the murky depths. Is it the increasingly-welcome prospect of nuclear war? No, even better! It’s some fruity candidates who are determined to liven things up. Here are Crikey’s top 5 Freaks and Weirdos:

  1. Andrew Quah‘s livejournal profile describes him as an “aspiring dictator” and bonsai enthusiast. Unfortunately for Andrew, his dictatorial ambitions have been put on hold by the wide release of photos featuring him whipping out his d-ck. Family First have disendorsed him as their candidate for the salubrious seat of Reid. Talking to the Sydney Morning Herald, Quah claims that he doesn’t know how the pictures were taken and says that he believes his political enemies may have drugged him. Later in the interview he admits to having shared photos of himself in a compromising position a number of years ago – but shared with whom?
  2. A dark horse has emerged in the race for Bennelong. August political publication Zoo Weekly – not impressed with the credentials of the other eight or nine candidates – have thrown their skimpy thongs into the jelly wrestling ring. Zoo Man – formerly Zoo journalist Dan Robinson – wants higher taxes on clothing, more shared showers and the repatriation of popstar Sophie Monk. Not a fan of pork-barreling, Zoo Man promises kebabs of multiple meat varieties in the event that he should get up.

  3. Of None – full name Of The Above None – is the independent candidate for the seat of Gilmore. Running on a lefty platform (no nukes, troops out of Iraq, fair IR laws etc) Of changed his name by deed poll so that he would appear on the ballot as ‘None, Of The Above.’ But what happens if he ends up at the top of the ballot? He told Crikey that he would be disappointed, though he’ll be happy wherever he should land. He rates his chances of winning the seat as slim, but reckons that he will, at worst, come fourth (There are four candidates for the seat). He reckons he is the most sensible of the lot. He describes a perennial American candidate who changed his middle name to “None Of The Above” as a piker, but says he came up with the idea independently. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that all of his MySpace friends think he’s the cop-out Yank.
  4. Craig Isherwood is the leader of the Citizen’s Electoral Council and its candidate for the seat of Wills, and to be frank, no listing of weirdo political candidates would be complete without him. Policies of the CEC include: A bridge which goes around the entire world! The colonisation of Mars by 2026! An end to the international drug cartel run by the Royal Family and the Jews! The world is heading for a disaster, people! It’s not man-made global warming – that is, after all, only a myth perpetuated by those poor bastards who have fallen victim to Al Gore’s mind rays – but it’s definitely heading for disaster. The only way to survive is to jump aboard the CEC train, next stop, despite their history of electoral failure coupled with phenomenal fundraising, surely Electoral Success!
  5. Traditionally, Jesus Christ has preached a message of peace and love for all men. You would think that homos-xual fellas, with their penchant for hot man-on-man action, would thus be deserving of twice as much peace and love. Not according to the Liberal Party’s candidate for the seat of Lalor, Pastor Peter Curtis. He says passages of Bible scripture prove that homos-xuality is a sinful perversion. Passages of the Bible also say that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. One would think Pastor Pete would be more worried about this considering his association with the Hillsong-wannabe Southland Christian Centre. Although scientific studies have proven that a camel can easily pass through the eye of a needle (it has to be a small camel or a really big needle), Curtis doesn’t care much for science. He reckons things kicked off universe-wise around 6,000 years ago, and he wants Aussie kids to learn that in school.

God Bless Democracy! Bring on November 24 and/or a post-apocalyptic world in which the irradiated soil burns at the touch.