Busy and powerful people, be assured, spend many fruitful hours in the company of emerging media. Often, they will be so engaged with the marvel of the interwebs, they may neglect to amend their undergarments or, indeed, do any actual work.

That is, unless, you consider a critical understanding of Celebrity Bl-wjob Smackdown to be actual work. Strictly speaking, I suppose, it isn’t. However: say what you will about the effete misuse of protein chains that IS Paris Hilton, but, baby, is she working.

And when the busy and powerful are not exchanging unwholesome URLs with the similarly ill, they are (a) tainting the walls of Facebook or (b) checking their blog statistics. For years, I’ve found my blog statistics every bit as compelling as, say, The Corrections. Although a good deal shorter and less erudite than Mr Franzen’s master-work, they provide equal insight into the minds of people EVEN SICKER than me.

If, like me, you are the Mistress of Your Own Domain, you will likely catch my tawdry drift. If not, well, congratulations. But I probably need to explain. Sad, fragile people go to Google. From there, they enter a selection of pitiable words in the hope of finding a solution.

And, if you happen to obsessively check your “referral logs”, you will find yourself to be the unwitting recipient of anxiety like I Hate Being Married To Helen. Someone in North Dakota is not at all fond of being married to Helen. As his repeated presence on my digital home attests.

I became fascinated with the pathos of search strings and began a minor fascination with a site called Disturbing Search Requests. Today, a fractured soul asks “Why do beagles pee on Ned?” Perhaps because Ned is an inert geek regularly mistaken by his pedigree brood for a tree. Get off your PC, Ned. Even I manage a daily jog and still make time for noxious porn and Facebook abuse.

Today, invaluable resource News.com.au delivers the latest from Google AU’s search strings. Stand up, Australia. You can’t get enough Nazi, you adore Tom Cruise and, perhaps as a palliative, you repeatedly look for Marijuana. I’m glad to see others taking an interest in the infirmity of the world.

Actually, this obsession led me years ago to a place called Metaspy. Here, you can view strings delivered seconds ago to major search engines. Today, everyone is crazy about “chew toys”, “free holidays” and “women with big muscles.”

It’s a full life.

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Peter Fray
Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey
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