Low birth rates and High morals collided last night as churches nationwide downloaded the digital Word. As you know, John “YouTube” Howard and Kevin “Facebook” Rudd are thoroughly modern content providers. So, it was no real surprise they chose the internet as the terrain for their new Galilee.

The National Press Club was a Web 2.0 mount as day boyz delivered their tepid Sermons. Flanked by disciples, Kev and John took pause from healing the sick to have a word in the nation’s most devout ears. (Who are the Australian Christian Lobby, you ask? Click here.)

The lads answered questions from church leaders and these Beatitudes were watched by circa 100,000 Christians who had eschewed Getaway in favour of an actual pew in an actual church.

These two men hunger and thirst for righteousness with a slavering passion outdone only by their appetite for the Christian vote. There should be no doubt at all now regarding the piety of the bandwidth brothers. The webcast bears out all that their attire had previously led us to suspect: here are some colossally daggy dudes who favour flannel and a grey-tinged version of Jesus who has long since outlived his relevance.

Jesus, let it be said, has some very decent things to say. Unfortunately, Kev and John did not. The apocryphal scholar might note with informed interest the writings each Christian selected. John, it seems, is a Matthew guy. To former Sunday School detainees, such as I, this is no surprise. Matt always struck me as the haughty curmudgeon of the Gospels.

And Kev went for soft-focus tolerance posterboy, St Francis. Presumably, all Christians in attendance will now imagine Rudd with a Disney-esque armada of birds trilling around his head at all times.

John went for Good Christian sense. Kev went for nylon-string-guitar fellowship.

If ink is any gauge of holy success, it seems that the former tactic worked best. Today’s broadsheets are heaving beneath the virtuous weight of Howard and his Clean Up The Internet plan. Kev barely rates a mention. He’s just sort of there in the background fondling a stray cat and singing Jesus Loves Me, This I Know .

Strident like Matthew, John took the opportunity to remind his flock that marriage should avoid a minimum and a maximum of one p-nis.

JH has been promising to offer his uber version of Net Nanny for a while now. Last night, he actually put a dollar value on his plan to distribute filtering software.

This is an interesting ploy. This policy does not threaten the profit margins of p-rnographers at all.

Doubtless, one will still be able to access Lapdances with Wolves or the curious amateur stylings of former Eurovision contestants after the kids have gone to bed.

It’s just another dainty wedge. And, frankly, one I hope to hear more about later. (Actually, I’d welcome the intervention of a p-rn filter in my life.) Which Kev will skip over. Singing Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam .

Peter Fray

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Peter Fray
Editor-in-chief of Crikey